Lord Haw-Haw to be the exciting new face of GB News

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Legendary wartime broadcaster Lord Haw-Haw has been recruited as a presenter on GB News in a bid to bolster its flagging ratings. ‘I am sure everyone will enjoy a nightly hate-filled ramble presented by a pseudo-aristocratic drunkard,’ said chairman of GB News.

‘Lord Haw-Haw will broadcast his rants from a dark cellar in Hamburg on a barely audible, short-wave radio frequency. In that respect, it will be quite similar to the show I put on in that sinister, black-walled bunker which I use as a studio.’

GB News has released a pilot episode of the show that they plan to call ‘Lord Haw-Haw’s Hoo-Hah’. ‘Our regular viewers – Sid and Ethel Barking from Penge – might think Lord Haw-Haw is a bit too much of a europhile, given that he bangs on so much about the unification of the continent under an Aryan super race. But I think they will warm to his moderate conservative views about the need to imprison deviants and make the trains run on time.’

Raab’s mobile number online for decade, but no-one’s called it

Over-promoted traffic cone, Dominic Raab, has admitted that his mobile number has been freely available on several websites. Despite that, no-one’s ever chosen to call it.

‘I do get some calls,’ insisted the Foreign Secretary, ‘And they’re not all wrong numbers. Only the other day someone called to enquire whether I’d ever been mis-sold PPI. During the following 30 minutes, I explained that it had indeed happened but as I’d insisted on buying it even though they told me I didn’t need it, that didn’t count. Still, it was an enjoyable conversation until he begged me to hang-up.’

Only those that can’t afford to quarantine will have to quarantine

‘The exception is extremely limited,' a government spokesperson said. 'If you are a millionaire who can afford to fly first class to the UK, the costs of a five-star hotel to quarantine in and your own Covid tests, as well as be having enough in the bank not to worry about needing to get to work for ten days, then – and only then – you are welcome to enter the country without quarantining. Oh, or if you are football VIP then it is okay too.’

Multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak is said to have wholeheartedly backed the idea and said it will help everybody he could think of. ‘I can’t imagine not being able to afford these costs,’ he said.