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Tension is growing among fans of attractive women in short white pleated skirts as the annual Ladies’ Prettiness Championship entered its final stages this week at Wimbledon. And, despite complaints in some quarters that the standard of gorgeousness is not what it used to be, there have been plenty of surprises along the way. Long-time no-hoper Venus Williams surprised many observers by getting to the second round by means of an unusual style of dress but was subsequently knocked out for unfashionable collars, while plucky Brit Laura Robson managed to outscore Italy’s Francesca Schiavone on face, legs and shape alike, before inevitably succumbing to the honey-toned loveliness of Serbia’s Ana Ivanovic in round three.
Meanwhile, five-time champion Maria Sharapova, who breezed past several excessively muscular also-rans in the first week, scraped through to the quarter finals over her compatriot Alona Bondarenko. Sharapova forged an early lead with her searing blonde strokes but was pegged back by Bondarenko’s superbly tanned thighs and only won on a tie break after her orgasmic shriek was preferred to Bondarenko’s guttural moan. Sharapova then made the semi finals by outscoring Dominika Cibulkova in straight legs.
Many Prettiness observers have said that this could be the year of pony-tailed Danish stunner Caroline Wozniacki. However, some say that whilst Wozniacki has often flattered to deceive in brightly coloured clothing, her body simply does not suit the all-white dresses required to take Wimbledon. China’s Li Na is also not given much chance, and her recent victory in a French beauty tournament has been dismissed as a typically perverse French preference for skinny legs.
‘It’s anyone’s contest now,’ said renowned sports analyst Tim Henman, who happened to be in town to cover a mens’ sporting contest. ‘I quite fancy Jankovic, or Maria Kirilenko, or Jelena Dokic – actually I just fancy them all, to be honest. Except Simona Halep, obviously. I’m told she actually had a breast reduction so that she could play tennis better. Honestly, what was the silly mare thinking of?’
Pop sensation and skimpy outfit aficionado Britney Spears has tacitly confessed to a long-standing, steamy affair with blancmange-faced cabinet minister Michael Gove. Long-time Britney fan Amy Armstrong said: ‘The whole reason Britney wants to end her conservatorship is so she can begin her conservativeship with Michael. She knows he’s toxic, but she’s just a slave 4 him.’
Luke Lawrence, a nightclub bouncer near where Gove lives, said: ‘In the before times, when MG arrived at the club, he’d step out of his Benz dripping in diamonds and snow – straight from the Colombian mountain tops, if you know what I mean. I remember his purple fur cloak and emerald encrusted cane. Once enthroned in his VIP booth, he would settle down with a Peach Schnapps and make it rain PPE contracts. Those Gove Groupies – girls and boys – just lost their minds.’
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