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The entire population of North Korea are reported to be seriously concerned about their Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un’s apparent weight loss. An unidentified resident of the country’s capital, Pyongyang said: ‘He used to be morbidly obese, but now he’s only clinically obese – it’s a real worry to us all. He was always so handsome, like a big, fat baby. The weight loss has aged him – he now looks like a chubby toddler.’

‘We have been suffering from some food shortages here, but I would gladly take food from the mouths of my starving children to help our beloved leader return to his former glorious health and good looks.’

Reports that Kim Jong Un will shortly be releasing a book entitled ‘Dictate, Lose Weight, Be Great!’ are unconfirmed.

‘It’s coming home #euro2021,’ tweeted Home Secretary and horrible person Priti Patel, in between masturbating to the scene where Bambi’s mother gets killed and ordering officials to check that football has the proper documents to come and live here and to deport it promptly if it hasn’t.

‘Shows we were right to leave the EU cos we never won the Euros while we were in Europe,’ agreed Nigel Walker, a shaven-headed cockwomble from Essex, lifting his knuckles from the floor for just long enough to wave an England flag in the air. ‘Eng-er-land! Eng-er-land! But I’m sure all the Remoaner traitor Marxist scum will agree to keep politics out of it and get behind the team.’

‘When England players take the knee, it’s Marxist.’ said a white England fan who has the St George’s Cross and Union Jack on his social media, despite not understanding the difference.

‘Raheem Sterling banging on about a proletariat uprising to throw off the capitalist yoke. Marcus Rashford feeding kids! You shouldn’t mix sport and politics that I don’t like. Now, shall we sing “Two World Wars and one World Cup” or “Ten German bombers”?’

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