Benedict Cumberbatch 'magnificent' as Bloke in Tesco

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood last night. The Sherlock star, already receiving plaudits for his role as Hamlet at the Barbican Theatre, was praised for his thirty-five minute ‘tour-de-force’, in which he grappled with the gritty role of ‘Man Shopping in Tesco'.

‘His was a multifaceted performance,’ wrote The Telegraph's Dominic Cavendish. ‘On the surface an ordinary man browsing the magazine section, but with shades of the Danish Prince as he struggled to choose between The Angling Times and Fly Fishing Illustrated – his portrayal of the inner conflict lifting to a crescendo after taking a sly glance at FHM’s Lucy Pinder on the top shelf.’

‘I always knew he had it in him,’ said Sherlock co-star Mark Gatiss. ‘Nobody else can accidentally knock over a box of Shredded Wheat with such intensity and put it back, seemingly at random, with the Frosties - the symbolism really takes one’s breath away. Anyone in that packed audience can be honoured to have witnessed an historic moment in the history of theatre – made even more memorable by a really good BOGOF deal on Lynx deodorants – Africa, Excite and Lynx Sensitive.’

Michael Billington of The Guardian was equally impressed, giving Cumberbatch full marks for his efforts: ‘The arrogant, self-assured Cavalry officer from War Horse was convincingly metamorphosed into some bloke wandering the dairy aisle,’ he wrote, praising the actor for taking the role into ‘unexpected corners of the Human psyche.’

He continued: ‘In a poignant scene, Cumberbatch’s character is confronted by an elderly lady blocking the yoghurt section, looking at the use-by dates on some Muller Light multi-packs. Lesser performers would have merely tutted, or boorishly tried to edge in, but Cumberbatch confounded all expectations by wandering off to get some cottage cheese, before returning to the now vacant spot a minute later to extract a carton of Yakult. You could have heard a pin drop.’

However not everyone was so enchanted by the Imitation Game Oscar Nominee. The Independent's Paul Taylor called it a ‘rather mixed affair’ in his three-star review: ‘Make no mistake – Cumberbatch’s Tesco Shopper marks him out as Britain’s leading theatrical light, but where his enigmatic persona dazzled as his fungal foot powder was run through the till, and his stuffing of the petrol vouchers into his wallet brought tears to the eye, a lacklustre car-parking scene put something of a tarnish on the brilliance.

‘Taking the last parent-and-child space and making me walk an extra ten metres? Come on Benedict, you’re better than that’, he added.

Hopes fading for Kabul Wetherspoons

As the Taliban enter Kabul the future looks bleak for the city’s sole Wetherspoons outlet. ‘The Rory Stewart’, opened to great fanfare in 2011, was previously seen as major step forward in the rebuild of Afghanistan.

‘The post conflict hell of downtown Kabul seemed the ideal place to open a new pub’, explained bouffanted, modern day workhouse owner and Spoons boss Tim Martin, ‘In fact it seemed a little bit upmarket. But we felt that a combination of cheep booze, fruit machines and disgusting carpets was exactly what the poor Afghans needed as they attempted to rebuild their shattered lives.’

‘We don’t quite know what the situation is as we’re struggling to get any information out of there at the moment, but as a precaution we’ve already stopped paying our staff’

Despite the uncertainty it is thought the Taliban will inevitably close down the pub, as a spokesman for leader Hibatullah Akhundzada explained ‘His excellency will not tolerate such decadent, western infidel establishments. Besides, he’s much more of a Yate’s Wine Lodge kind of guy’.

Deaths from lightning strikes while on the phone rebound since PPI calls stopped

The number of people being struck by lightning while on landline phones at home has skyrocketed. During the PPI years, most people who still had landlines got fed up of answering calls urging them to make Personal Payment Insurance claims. Many simply stopped answering the phone. But now that such calls have declined, the number of people using their landlines again is on the increase, leading to more people being fried through their receivers.

The issue is not so much that more people are snuffing it this way, more that few people knew it was a thing in the first place. Roger Payne from Crewe said, "Sure, dad always said to unplug the TV from the aerial socket during a thunderstorm. But he didn't say 'owt about not getting on the blower and asking your mate across town if lightning was striking them 'n all. What the bollocks?"

A small number of clever clogs claim they always knew about Faraday cages, insulating footwear, and earthing. And not the earthing where weird perverts dig little holes in the ground and f@*k them. Like all golfers do. But an even smaller fraction of those people also knew that going to the toilet during a thunderstorm is only advisable if you don't mind a million volts up the anus. That goes for any water-adjacent activity in bathrooms and kitchens.

When out and about away from the home, however, toilets can be a place of refuge and protection. As every tediously experienced golfer knows, 'Any portaloo in a storm.' Although, that is regardless of the weather.