UK leading way to reduce fossil fuels by making more people poorer - Johnson

Following his observation that Margaret Thatcher was a climate change visionary, closing the pits to save the planet, Prime Minister Johnson has added that his government's attempts to make all but a select few poorer is intended to make it impossible for 'ordinary people' to afford heating or light.

'That way, there will be a net reduction in the need to generate electricity, saving the planet again,' he said today.

'By increasing poverty, this government is likely to save the planet many times over,' the Prime Minister said. He declined to comment on the effect of population growth on the environment.

The Taliban – ‘Back in Black’

It is the rock reunion that they said would never happen, the world’s favourite boy band (definitely no girls allowed) ‘The Taliban’ are back on the road and setting Afghanistan alight. Their whistle-stop tour of abandoned U.S. military bases has delighted their fans and infuriated invading armies.

One groupie, who had had her burqa signed by the band, squealed with delight: ‘They played all the old favourites. And when I say old, we’re talking 700 B.C. We like our metal heavy and usually fired from an AK-47’

In the end, Afghans just found the sound of Western democracy rather bland, complained one disgruntled U.S. General: ‘There’s nothing wrong with John Denver’. Meanwhile, The Taliban will be playing all the major cities and with a supporting line-up that includes ‘a large can of Whoopass’.

Said one band member: ‘Many assumed it was drugs and drink that caused us to split, but we’re not that kind of group. We actually split over artistic differences – none of us approved of any art from the last two hundred years. That said, we’ve buried the hatchet now - in our enemy’s skull’.

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality Simon Cowell is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul Jeff Bezos and Virgin Media boss Richard Branson, who have both recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed wooden catapult. When attached to the braces on his massive, high-waistband trousers, it will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell (87), said, "Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie's Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I've been fascinated by space travel. So this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth's atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true."

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back and lead-lined wellington boots. These will counterbalance the lack of gravitational pull and bring him back down to Earth, where he will splash down in the Limehouse Basin in East London a day or two later.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.