Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing

In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show's first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.

In a statement released last night, the show's producers revealed: "We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country's balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide".

It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.

A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: "I'm really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire" he said.

"However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won't hesitate to take back control", he chuckled.

It is understood that Farage's contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.

Johnson to ring Sturgeon’s doorbell then run away

Boris Johnson is visiting Scotland for as little time as he can possibly get away with before too many Scottish people notice he is there and run him out of the country.

A Tory spokesman looked appalled at the prospect of travelling so far from Surrey:

‘How frightful! We are compelled to visit the wild, uncivilised, frozen north, Jocksville or Scotchland or whatever it’s called, in order to pretend we care about countries other than England. I want to assure the Tory base that we do not. I had assumed Scotchland was in Game of Thrones, not the UK. We’re gone as soon as the Prime Minister achieves his principle strategic objective of not meeting Nicola Sturgeon, but in a super-secret, super-clever, super-sophisticated way that she will not see coming.’

An SNP spokesman responded:

‘He’s going to ring the door bell and then run away. The only question is, will he be giggling? Ding dong, then leg it? Isn’t that how Boris treats most women? We know he’s a hyper-privileged man-child, prone to stunts and sulks, so we’ve covered the First Minister’s doorbell in raspberry jam and we’ve a bucket of gunge ready to go from an upstairs window.’

On being informed that Keir Starmer would also be visiting Scotland, the SNP spokesman looked pensive.

‘I know that name, wait, don’t tell me. No, it’s gone, sorry. I hope he has a nice time though, whoever he is.’

Jeremy Corbyn’s Premier League do’s and don’ts

As the 2019/20 Premier League season kicks off this weekend, the Labour leader disseminates advice on ‘the beautiful game’ for the militant lefty.

Do:

Write to a senior civil servant demanding they block the Premier League until the embargo against the free movement of players between clubs is resolved.

Cry bourgeois elitism when it’s explained the embargo is a universally accepted transfer window.

Don’t:

Attend games in person. If you must, do as I did watching Cluj versus Celtic in Romania last week; admit to your attendance but claim you weren’t involved. This works for any event where plausible deniability is a necessity when in the glare of the capitalist propaganda outlets.

Do:

Only acknowledge the talents of a team’s left-winger, or anyone left-footed. Observe only through your left eye.

Don’t:

Condemn your team’s player for recklessly tackling an opponent. Instead condemn all tackles and commission a public inquiry into the incumbent administration’s failure to devote adequate resources year-on-year to tackle tackling.

Do: Publicly denounce the process of deciding the winning team and the part played by the victorious dictatorial Prime Manager to be a wholly unconstitutional un-democratic feudal throwback at every opportunity, yet never wither from the all-consuming desire to be a victorious dictatorial Prime Manager yourself.

Don’t:

Pick a Premier League team to support until the end of the season and the outcome of the fascistic gladiatorial façade is revealed. Then pick Arsenal.