New series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will be set in Calais

Sources from ITV have confirmed rumours that the channel's new series of 'I'm a Celebrity get me out of here!' is to be set on the outskirts of Calais. 'This is a variation on a theme; usually we send our celebs to Australia but this new jungle that has sprung up in Calais provides our stars with plenty of challenges' said a spokesman.

The contestants will be placed in an abandoned building about 3 miles from the town's centre and will face the usual endurance tests only with a twist.

'The celebs will face the usual deprivations but instead of sleeping bags, our usually pampered celebs will have to sleep on mouldy old mattresses and use old carrier bags to collect water.' said the spokesman.

The viewers will vote which star they wish to vote out of the hell hole every couple of nights and they will get the opportunity to escape by attempting to get back into the UK by any means possible. Part-time glamour model Linzi Chambers has today revealed that she had been approached for the series but had refused claiming that clinging onto the underside of a lorry for dear life for six hours would 'ruin her nails'.

'It's this aspect that may need a rethink' said critics of the new show. 'Perhaps they'll take some desperate but hard-working migrant and deport the celeb who's only famous only for sleeping with a Premiership footballer. Now that might be worth watching.'

S J Roe

Post-event interviews with Olympians to include general knowledge round

Interviews with Olympic competitors conducted immediately after they’ve finished their race, swim, row or any other event will now include general knowledge, science and geography questions, the BBC announced today, in an attempt to make the excruciating encounters less predictable.

The news comes after concerns were raised that interviewees were increasingly able to anticipate the questions they were going to be asked by trackside reporters, and were able to rely on a stock bank of answers about how they were feeling, what the Olympics meant to them, or whether they could have done anything differently.

‘Some of the answers given by breathless and emotional GB athletes less then a minute after they’ve either just fulfilled their lifetime dream or had their expectations cruelly crushed in front of millions are remarkably similar’, said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Gave it everything I had, hasn’t sunk in yet, I just blew it, thanks for all the support back home. It’s as if they’re all copying each other. The format needs a total overhaul’.

‘Duncan Scott may have just become the most decorated GB Olympian at a single games, but can he tell us what’s the second highest mountain in the Andes, whilst still dripping wet, exhausted and unable to string a sentence together?’ said the spokesperson. ‘360 degree backflips on a BMX are all well and good but does Charlotte Worthington know what the longest running musical theatre show is in the West End? The nation needs to know.’

Richard Osman has been brought in as a consultant to turn things into a workable quiz format. Rumours that former Going for Gold host Henry Kelly will soon be taking over from Matthew Pinsent, Sharon Davies and others in shoving a microphone in front of peoples faces are said to be unfounded.

‘Crime levels down for fourth consecutive month’ boasts Priti Patel

The daily number of crimes committed by people across the UK has fallen for the fourth month in a row revealed Home Secretary Priti Patel. Both petty crime and organised crime are now at their lowest level since records began.

Figures show that since emergency switchboard operators were told not to answer any incoming calls the number of reported crimes has fallen dramatically. Other initiatives have also helped in seeing crime levels fall.

Police officers have been told they must not leave the police station at any time and all squad cars must be immobilised as a precaution against attending a crime scene.

But PM Boris Johnson has urged people to remain cautious saying that despite the encouraging statistics the fight against crime is not over. The latest figures do not include the days since lockdown restrictions were lifted but the PM did not think this would make the slightest bit of difference.

‘We have asked all police officers to cover their ears and sing lalalalala very loudly. This should prevent any chance of them hearing such things as a burglar or car alarm or screams for help from a stab victim’ said the PM

By ignoring reports of criminal activity the UK is now the safest place in the world.

Not one crime has been recorded since mid July which shows our policy of putting our fingers in our ears is working.

And at no extra cost to the taxpayer.

Those who try to report crimes are “selfish” and would be barred from some future events like shopping, leaving the house or visiting loved ones.

Plans to introduce a crime passport to show that a person has not reported a crime for over seven consecutive days have been criticised by Labour who say it will lead to a two-tier justice system and would hit the poorest in society the hardest.

Boris Johnson - using a comedy umbrella as yet another another blindingly obvious distraction technique - simply raised his thumbs and smirked.