Burglars demand 'more clarity' about holiday plans from Facebook users

A spokesman for the burglar community says he appreciates that most Facebook users are 'admirably candid' about when the entire contents of their house are there for the taking. He likes the way they go on for weeks about their upcoming trip abroad.

'Usually, you can have the whole place cleaned out while they're still at the airport arguing with Ryanair staff about baggage restrictions,' says housebreaker Jeremy Quinn, of Birmingham.

‘However, there's still a stubborn minority who are exasperatingly vague about the details of their travel plans, and this is costing burglars an estimated £20m a year in lost earnings,’ he says.

‘People should be franker about the true value of their belongings. I get the impulse to boast and fib, but honesty is the best policy. I can tell you that the 'Cartier' watch Greg Morgan in Peterborough has been bragging about is nothing but a pathetic Chinese knockoff.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/s_salow-9096056/

Motor mechanics move to reduce the number of face to face repairs

Following the threat of strike action by GPs, the government has backed down on its insistence that GPs conduct more face to face appointments.

The BMMA (British Motor Mechanics Association) has hailed this as a common sense decision and now intends to encourage its members to reduce the number of face to face repairs it conducts and increase the number of telephone repairs.

'They should have done this a long time ago,' said Denise Higgins, a former Pirelli calendar model who now works as a receptionist for A1 Motor Repairs. 'I'm fed up with customers telling me they remember me from the 1997 edition of the calendar and can they have a look at my legs again.

'It wouldn't be so bad if the customers washed their engines before bringing their cars in to be serviced, but I'm expected to wash the tea mugs up at the end of the day and there's nothing worse than having to clean the grease off them.'

She went on to say that there is no car fault these days that can't be repaired by using a phone app alongside a telephone appointment with an automotive technician. 'If someone thinks their motor has a problem, they only need to send us a photo of the engine and the technician can email them a prescription they can take to a motor factor to collect the parts needed.'

Josh Williams a senior automotive technician who now dresses in a cream suit in anticipation that the days of getting his hands dirty are over added, 'It enables us to branch out into telephone servicing of other things like boilers and washing machines, so it makes good business sense all round.

'We'll still ask anyone with something like a Lambourghini or McLaren to fetch it in and leave it with us, obviously. The lads would go on strike if they didn't didn't have something flash to go on dates in.'

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