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Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

  • Oct 28, 2021

The middle classes of Britain have today gone into shock after revelations that their favourite radio station, BBC Radio 4, has been secretly dumping thousands of tons of smugness into rivers and lakes all over the country.


‘It turns out Radio 4's presenters and guests between them were producing such vast quantities of smugness that they simply couldn't pump it all out over the airwaves,' explained DEFRA spokesman Danny Coffee, who is leading efforts to uncover full details of what some are calling "The worst environmental crime since Bill Oddie."


‘We're not sure how long this has been going on,' he added. 'It seems that it has been impossible for standard FM and DAB transmission facilities to fully disperse the levels of self-satisfaction generated by the likes of Melvyn Bragg discussing bloody Kierkegaard with a bunch of tosspot academics at nine o’clock in the morning.’


Head of programming for Radio 4 has admitted that they have been dealing with unusually high levels of producer/presenter gratification.


‘I’m sure we would all agree: the demise of a few species of inedible freshwater fish and algae is a small price to pay for us being right about everything.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/larisa-k-1107275/

Miserly London merchant welcomes Christmas shortages if they foretell of a shorter Christmas

Updated: Dec 1, 2021


is reported that Mr Ebenezer Scrooge, merchant of this Parish, has let it be known that Christmas this year will be much reduced in both its size, and, more importantly, in its expense, and that can only be for the betterment of mankind.


In support of this assertion, he cites the many shortcomings that will befall this festive season, many already reported by this august publication. The likes of poultry and game, pork in its many guises, and amusements for the children.


Mr Scrooge declares, “If small girls desire a little pony, then let them be sent to the mines where they may become acquainted with many such animals. And boys that crave the most recent game of warfare, let them take the Queen’s shilling and have their fill of mortal combat. And what are we to make of hanging a stocking upon the mantel in the hope of receiving gifts from some imagined jolly benefactor? The very idea. Far better, and more profitable for the household, that they be handed a brush and sweep the chimney clean.”


This most parsimonious Gentleman also decries the need for large roasted fowl upon the Christmas table. “In the absence of such extravagance I suggest a simple bowl of gruel. These years past I have found such to be amply sustaining and always readily available. “


Touching upon the subject of the ‘Christmas spirit’, Mr Scrooge became far more animated in his voice and gesture. “Humbug! I have experienced at first hand this Spirit and much good it did me. A thoroughly unpleasant experience where for a moment I was encouraged to enter fully into this seasonal folly and lavish largesse upon all and sundry. Thankfully I was able to regain my senses and put the whole distasteful business behind me, but not before I had spent far more than any man in his right mind should feel obliged to.”





Terrorist organisation not claiming responsibility for any of its attacks on the UK

Updated: Dec 2, 2021


An unnamed terrorist group has been operating within the UK for some time, conducting a series of heinous and despicable attacks on the British public. Police and security services are reluctant to name the organisation for fear of further severe recriminations against them.


It is believed that the current leader of the group spent many years operating in a London-based cell before campaigns of death and destruction were moved up to a national level. The terrorist organisation has an unfathomably large number of members and backers and is very well funded by wealthy donors, many based in Britain.


The public have been warned that no part of the UK is safe, and that almost every individual and organisation operating in the UK has suffered personal and material losses. It is understood that the terrorist organisation is responsible for the deaths of more than 150,000 people, many in circumstances too sickening to describe.


If you suspect you have been targeted, it has been suggested that there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. All of the institutions which would normally seek to investigate these numerous and widespread terrorist crimes and act against them have been deliberately undermined to a point of impotence.


Anyone with any information has been urged not to come forward, keep their mouth shut, and pretend like it isn't happening.





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