Brussels recognises breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington

In a surprise hostile move, Brussels has recognised the independence of the breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington from the surrounding UK.

"These citizens of these areas are loyal to the EU," explained crazed warmonger Michel Barnier today. "Many even speak French, at least in restaurants. We will not stand by and watch them forced to remain part of the eurosceptic UK, where they suffer daily oppression."

Asked what this oppression consisted of, Barnier cited the presence of Nigel Farage on LBC, GBTV and Question Time, and the imposition of daft American-style rules banning gender segregation of the pools on Hampstead Heath.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was initially outraged by the move until it was explained to him that these places never vote Conservative, and he'd have a better chance of winning elections without them. He shrugged and got back to the Number Ten party, which had just moved onto an exciting game of pin the tail on Jacob Rees-Mogg.

At this point, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon butted in asking, "Ye dinnae fancy takin' Scotland as well, mebbe?" Once this was translated into a language Mr Barnier speaks (i.e. English), he replied, "Er, no, you're alright, thanks all the same."

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Lib Dem voter agrees to wear ‘hair shirt’

In an act of contrition Lib Dems have agreed to undergo a series of medieval tasks to make amends for the disappointment that is Nick Clegg. Wearing sackcloth and ashes, the guilt-ridden members will be touring local constituencies encouraging the electorate to hurl rotten vegetables at them to aid the process of repentance.

Lib Dem activists have mentioned a growing suspicion that the party logo is looking less like a bird of freedom and more like a sycophantic aspiring maggot. Said one: ‘Our MPs rub the dispatch box with all the perverse glee of a Nazgul on crystal meth. I’d flagellate myself but I’ll probably just be flogging a dead horse’.

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Classic Russian Playbook' banned from children's libraries after invasion of Ukraine

Children's libraries across Europe are refusing to stock the 'Classic Russian Playbook' after it became clear that Putin was using it to plan and execute a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.

"The American President and others have been saying for weeks that Putin's invasion of Ukraine was following the 'Classic Russian Playbook", said the head of the UK Librarian's Association today.

"At first, we found it very difficult to believe that Russia would use a children's book as the focus of an invasion plan, but when we checked the contents, we were quite shocked."

Extracts from the book include:

'This is Vladimir.'

'Vladimir is scared.'

'Vladimir likes playing pretend.'

'Vladimir sits at a very, very long table.'

'Vladimir has surrounded a friendly country with tanks and missiles to the north, east and south.'

'Vladimir pretends to support separatist regions as a pretext for invasion.'

The EU's chief of libraries is withdrawing the book immediately as a precaution against 'giving any other kids ideas.'