Useless British sporting losers can be pelted with rotten eggs & fruit says minister

Secretary of state for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, the Right Hopeless Nadine Dorries, has announced measures to punish disgraced sporting failures.

‘We spend an absolute fortune on these morons to embarrass this great nation of ours (and may I say what a fantastic job Boris is doing) on the world stage. Everyone else skates down icy walls of death without breaking sweat, while our idiots can barely stand on their feet. You’d have thought a sport that involved sliding down hills on tea trays would be dominated by the British. My Gran could do it blindfold, for God’s sake, while going backwards and serving scones with cream and jam.

‘Half of them stand around moaning that the gritting lorry hasn’t turned up while the rest of the tossers witter on about the wrong kind of snow. It’s not good enough, so I’m arranging for stocks and pillories to be erected outside Poundland stores across the nation. Disgruntled sports fans can give them a piece of their minds and a well-aimed piece of last weeks breakfast on their return.’

image from pixabay

US rules that you can now conceal your gun, along with your paranoia

An NRA spokesmen explained: ‘The key thing is to not let on that you are in mortal fear of every living thing. We advise all our members to wear adult diapers to cope with the constant bed wetting. There are NRA gum shields to prevent your teeth chattering. A special range of Charlton Heston masks to obscure excess whimpering. We also advise all pets to carry rape alarms.’

Helpful Government slogans have been designed to calm American nerves and lower tensions. These include:

‘Guns make for friendlier neighbors’

‘Bullets are the best pest control’

‘Toddlers are murderers waiting to get big’

‘Nobody ever got shot by mistake’

‘Don’t trust Granny, she smells weird.’

From now on, putting your hands in your pockets will be seen as an instant provocation and will be met with deadly force from friends and loved ones. Families are advised to all sleep in separate, locked bedrooms. Also, the US has asked the rest of the world not to make any sudden movements.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/lovableninja-5687105/

Justice for imprisoned Post Office workers still ‘in the post’

The enquiry ruled: ‘Over 700 sub-postmasters were wrongly accused of theft, but that is because the actual accusations were meant to be delivered to a neighbour. We tried to address this miscarriage, but they were not in to sign for our apology. For those looking for justice, we suggest you return to the depot next week in case it turns up’

image from pixabay