Secretary of state for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, the Right Hopeless Nadine Dorries, has announced measures to punish disgraced sporting failures.
‘We spend an absolute fortune on these morons to embarrass this great nation of ours (and may I say what a fantastic job Boris is doing) on the world stage. Everyone else skates down icy walls of death without breaking sweat, while our idiots can barely stand on their feet. You’d have thought a sport that involved sliding down hills on tea trays would be dominated by the British. My Gran could do it blindfold, for God’s sake, while going backwards and serving scones with cream and jam.
‘Half of them stand around moaning that the gritting lorry hasn’t turned up while the rest of the tossers witter on about the wrong kind of snow. It’s not good enough, so I’m arranging for stocks and pillories to be erected outside Poundland stores across the nation. Disgruntled sports fans can give them a piece of their minds and a well-aimed piece of last weeks breakfast on their return.’
image from pixabay