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Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS


The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.


A spokes-virus said, 'Curling Fever is an unusual condition. Serious outbreaks occur every four years or so, but infections in between are quite rare, except in Scotland. For a while, many doctors brushed off patients, saying that it wasn’t a genuine medical condition.'


However, there is no denying the impact on sufferers, who often arrive at A&E with physical injuries from punching a wall, or having been struck by a television screen moving at some velocity. Patients can also experience mental trauma, including anxiety, stress and depression. Symptoms can often emerge slowly. Patients initially present as withdrawn and stony faced, but can fly off the handle at short notice, if someone presses their buttons.


Luckily, Curling Fever is easily treated. Most sufferers can be distracted by watching a children’s film (but not Polar Express, Frozen or Happy Feet), or rugby game (unless Welsh).


Olympics sees rush on guttering and drainpipes

Sales of guttering, drainpipes, railings, storm drainage channels and old tin trays are all booming thanks to the Winter Olympics.


“Everyone has gone Big Air mad,” said a spokesman at B&Q. “We’ve had customers installing half-pipe runs above their front porches. We had one guy who built a skeleton run around his cul-de-sac. People are using some old tin trays from our canteen for the ice ride. Another guy said he’s working on a ski-jump over his loft-conversion.”


Hysterical commentators and snowboard experts Ted Warwood and Ed Leigh have become famous for their cries of “three sixty!”, “Oh my God twelve eighty!” and “This is ridiculous. How is he doing this?”. Their histrionics have led to a building boom. Fans have been dividing up their loft bedrooms to make box rooms just like the one that Ted and Ed seem to be in for their verbal eight forties, complete with Olympic posters and children’s drawings Blu-Takk'd to the walls


There are mishaps, however. In Peckham, south east London, marketing manager Nigel Hunter constructed a bobsleigh course around his block. He invited British Gold medal hero Matt Weston to open it, but forgot to give Matt a visitor’s parking permit, which left his skeleton tray clamped to the track.


“No problem,” said Weston. “Just a bad air day.”



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