Useless British sporting losers can be pelted with rotten eggs & fruit says minister

Secretary of state for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, the Right Hopeless Nadine Dorries, has announced measures to punish disgraced sporting failures.

‘We spend an absolute fortune on these morons to embarrass this great nation of ours (and may I say what a fantastic job Boris is doing) on the world stage. Everyone else skates down icy walls of death without breaking sweat, while our idiots can barely stand on their feet. You’d have thought a sport that involved sliding down hills on tea trays would be dominated by the British. My Gran could do it blindfold, for God’s sake, while going backwards and serving scones with cream and jam.

‘Half of them stand around moaning that the gritting lorry hasn’t turned up while the rest of the tossers witter on about the wrong kind of snow. It’s not good enough, so I’m arranging for stocks and pillories to be erected outside Poundland stores across the nation. Disgruntled sports fans can give them a piece of their minds and a well-aimed piece of last weeks breakfast on their return.’

image from pixabay

5 Winter Olympic Sports Team GB would medal in

With a distinct lack of silverware so far in the Winter Olympics for Team GB, is it time for the Olympic Committee to consider increasing the winter sports on offer, to encompass some of the mass participation activities that the Brits really excel in over the Winter months. Here are our top 5 suggestions:

30 second small talk in the street about the weather

This is an activity we are genuinely world leading in. Athletes go head to head exchanging pleasantries like 'Its certainly brisk today', and 'the nights are definitely drawing in', with marks awarded for speed of delivery, artistic flair in the use of language, and ability to effectively close off the conversation so you can get on with going to the shops. Mike McDaid, 62, of Solihull delivered a faultless performance when recently setting the current world best, including his trademark glance up towards the clouds as he queried 'Could snow later, don't you think?'

Mad Friday drinking binge

Taking place on the last Friday before Christmas, this long-distance event involves heading down to a local Wetherspoons with work colleagues before midday, then drinking copious amounts of discounted beer and spirits, in an a music-free, sticky-floored hangar. Competing in teams which gradually reduce in size over the course of the afternoon, you are awarded points for avoiding getting into a fight, and if you get through to the end of the day without telling your boss he's a w@*ker.

Boxing day cross-country train journey Marathon

This event is established in honour of Mark Davies, who tried to get from Newcastle to Bristol a few years ago by train to see family on Boxing day, not realising that the extent of engineering works going on across the rail network. Whilst accounts vary it is thought he died somewhere near Birmingham New street after a 14 hour journey, involving 3 replacement buses, no seat reservations on the final segment of the journey, and all the toilets out of order. British Athletes have been training for the extreme nature of this event by travelling regularly on the Trans-Pennine Express.

Winter morning car de-icing

How quickly can you can get the sheet of ice on your car's front window clear enough to drive in to work? In this event, athletes start with a bundle of work papers and a lunchbox, and they have to locate the squeezy plastic thing, along with last years tin of deicer from somewhere hidden deep in the bowels of the car. Athletes will be disqualified if they do that thing of putting newspaper on their car the night before, or cheat using a kettle.

Clocks go forward in spring quiz

Participants are asked rapid fire questions about whether you lose or gain an hour, whether phones automatically update, with a final eliminator requiring athletes to reset the clock on their oven in the shortest possible time (current record 6 days).

Tokyo Olympics Winter - Free photo on Pixabay

British sports fans gripped by Winter Olympic fever

Winter Olympics fever - better than Covid and a way to forget Boris Johnson is Prime Minister - has gripped the nation.

Luke Lyle said 'It's even better than the proper Olympics. Determining whether Austria or Norway has the fastest downhill skiers can bring this country together. I don't know why they specify the skiing is downhill, but I've got my cowbell locked and loaded. Plus there's bowls on ice, with added sweeping. Also lying down on a tray, then firing yourself head first down a tube at 200mph. It sounds insane but it's quite safe according to the documentary 'Cool Runnings'.'

Pensioner Eleanor Evans said 'Are Torvill and Dean in it? I like Torvill and Dean.' The Ski Sunday theme tune is already the most streamed song in the UK and will go to number 1 for the duration of the games.

Olympic Rings Whistler Olympics - Free photo on Pixabay