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Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate


'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.


'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.


'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.


'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.


'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.


Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.


'Well, sort of human.'


Image: Wix AI

Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop


Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway.


‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Robert Jenrick. Plus the Childcatcher only imprisoned children, he didn’t paint over their cartoons.


‘Jonathan Gullis will be dressed in a monocle and mortar board to boost his perceived IQ into double figures. If we can tempt him off the tyre swing we should be okay. Nigel hasn’t bought a disguise for Nadine Dorries but he’s keeping her off the booze for a week – she’ll be unrecognisable’.


Danny Kruger will be dressed as Freddy Kreuger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The malevolent spirit who invades dreams and gives children nightmares is understood to be thrilled to be joining Reform.


The plan is to present Reform as some kind of underground movement of rebels – like the A Team but probably without Mr T – rather than a selection of reanimated corpses dug up from unconsecrated ground, also known as Tories.


Nigel Farage is playing his part by permanently holding a fake pint of beer so the voters forget he’s a public school-educated millionaire. It’s a deliberately pisspoor disguise, only capable of fooling registered morons. Luckily for Nigel, they each have a vote.




Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC



Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.


Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’



First published 20 Jan 2022


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