Get fired or die tryin’ – the Suella story

Home Secretary Suella Braverman doesn’t want any of the blame for the rogering the Tories will presumably receive at the next General Election. Therefore she has been putting in the hard yards, trying to get sacked, with the ultimate aim of assuming the Iron Throne.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Last year, Suella forced herself out before Liz Truss did, and Liz Truss was outlasted by a lettuce. This year she’s got to push even harder. So let’s have homeless people fight to the death for the last ticket to Rwanda, then incite a far right riot on Remembrance Day. She also tried blowing cigar smoke directly in Rishi’s face, but he just asked her not to, with all the authority of a sobbing supply teacher, locked inside a cupboard by his pupils. Next time, she’ll stub out the cigar directly on his face.'

'It’s almost like the PM only keeps her around to make himself look less insane by comparison.'

Braverman is thought to be workshopping some names for the political brand she will eventually lead, but focus group member Ian Ingram felt that the options in front of him lacked quality.

'They were worse than a Nadine Dorries novel. The "Great Britain First" or "Great British National Party" options - so much to unpack there, especially if you live in Northern Ireland. "Woke is a National (Af)Front" – that’s a real zinger. By this point Suella Braverman has blown so many dog whistles, she’s surrounded by an increasingly large pile of dog shit. Great British bulldog shit, obviously.'

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Nadine Dorries claims Moriarty is in control of British politics

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Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage to merge

As a General Election nears, huge political news reaches us that former Prime Minister Boris Johnson and ex-UKIP leader Nigel Farage are to merge. Whilst no further details have been put forward by either camp, it is clear that this is potentially huge news for the inexplicably popular duo. We asked political commentator and respect theorist Sir Peter Catterick-Brace what this could mean for Britain's political landscape.

'Well, I think this is huge news! The potential ramifications for the traditional parties could be very significant if they manage to arouse their base voters.' He went on, 'I mean, all those quite extreme right wing, immigrant and Euro hating middle aged white voters could come out in droves for this monstrous entity. I expect the first thing it would want to do is undo Brexit and then re-do it. Straight away. A sort of 'Let's get Brexit done again'. Socially this beast would mean a great deal to publicans and tobacconists as well as it being an almost endless supply of extremely fertile semen and occasionally eloquent waffle. Nadine Dorries will pass out when she hears the news.'

As we await further news, we speculate that the 'thing' will be called 'Borjel Johnrage', be approximately six feet nine and during the initial process very, very dangerous to anyone coming without twenty feet of it with anything less than questionable views on race, British culture and colonialism.

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/ and your nightmares