Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC

Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.

Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 20 Jan 2022

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Jenrick just missed his besties

While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties.  Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly.

He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins?  Don't be shy.  OK, consider that rhetorical.  And while you're at the bar, don't forget to buy 30p Lee a pint while he explains how anyone not on expenses can survive on a pound a week. Danny Kruger will bring the cakes, obviously, and then, with luck Liz Truss will complete the party by bringing salad components.  Hopefully they will last longer this time.

Don't berate Honest Bob, treat him with sympathy, he's been lonely on the benches.  Unloved and unwanted.  Hopefully good practise for the next few years then.

Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.

'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.

'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.

'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?

'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.

'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.

'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."