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Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories


'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.


'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.


'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.


'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?


'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.


'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.


'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."

Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating


Political groupie and Brand Ambassador for vodka Nadine Dorries has decided to have ‘one last fling’ at becoming a Dame. Many thought her political career was over when she announced that she was leaving the House of Commons, though she bravely continued drawing the salary for a year so we wouldn’t feel abandoned.


Now she’s back, determined to share her political wisdom with the nation.


‘It’s a common problem among women who used to be quite fit’ said Dr Mathison of the University of Padgate. ‘Men hang on their every word because – well, I think we know why. Some women interpret lust as intellectual respect. Not easy to imagine that level of self unawareness, but that’s blondes for you. The tell is that she flicks her hair seductively when she says something she imagines to be intelligent. Real brainiacs don’t do that, I’m told – though I teach at the University of Padgate, so my exposure to brainiacs is largely theoretical’.


Will Nadine get her Damehood? Would you give her one? Will Nigel? Stay tuned for more emetic speculation



Johnson in keeps Dorries out, admits intern



Top prize at a fairground hoop-la stall, Boris Johnson, has survived a parliamentary vote of no confidence due to 211 Conservative MPs believing that keeping a proven liar and law-breaker in power is a much better alternative than risking the slim possibility that less-astute-than-arse-crack-fluff Nadine Dorries could fill the void left by his departure.


In what is being seen as a stroke of Machiavellian genius the PM’s strategy team executed a faultless plan to ensure the raw sausage caterpillar remained leader. Over-privileged number 10 intern, Popson Grygg, explained: “Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do most tory MPs, and there’s no vacuum more expansive and abhorrent than Nadine Dorries.


“We strategised a plan to unleash the secretary for DCMS before the no-confidence vote to scare the shit out of dissenters, suggesting that should Bojo go, Nadine could take over. The plan was easy: get Nadine fired-up with a bucket of prosecco, let her watch Top Gun 2, then allow her to squeeze a few spots on the PMs arse - she loves that. Then wheel her in front of the camera.


“She was f**king pyroclastic! Claiming: ‘we are at war with Ukraine’, suggesting party donors could withhold funding if Boris wasn’t backed, and tweeting that Jeremy Hunt’s ‘pandemic preparation during six years as health secretary was found wanting and inadequate’.


“Boom! It worked better than we could imagine. Nadine was catastrophically self-defeating. A with a majority of 63, the big dog is still top dog. Actually, to be perfectly honest, the PM didn’t have a lot to with the plan. He just lay still and let Nadine squeeze.”


image from pixabay


First published 8 June 2022


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