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Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised



Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does.


A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mums (or ‘maters’) at a formal luncheon, not long after they reach the age of 8. On the same day, they receive a tub of Brylcreem and a firm handshake from their father, before being sent to boarding school for a daily thrashing.


Johnson later confided to advisors he agreed to the interview to meet MILFs.




First published 3 Jun 2022


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Boris Johnson offers to oversee UK's response to hantavirus


By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante


Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once more.'


Johnson's handling of the previous Covid-19 pandemic, while criticised in a recent report, has been described by the Daily Mail as 'exceptional' and by the BBC as 'world-beating'. His actions are believed by his supporters to have saved 'lives beyond count'.


'When the going gets tough, we need BoJo to get going,' said former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries in Southampton, upon her return from a cruise in the Canary Islands.


Baroness Dido Harding also announced her availability to serve in Johnson's national unity government, volunteering to launch a new Test & Trace application at only half the cost of the previous iteration. 'We have come a long way,' she said in a statement, 'and we have learnt from past mistakes, not that any were made.'


Separate reports indicated that Baroness Michelle Mone's new company, Med Resilience Ltd., stands ready to 'meet the nation's PPE needs again'.


Authgor: Dante



Image credit: perchance.org

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate


'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.


'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.


'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.


'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.


'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.


Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.


'Well, sort of human.'


Image: Wix AI

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