Boris to appoint himself new Metropolitan Police Chief

“As the new Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, I propose to do absolutely nothing,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson told reporters.

“I will carry on in exactly the same vein as I've done up until now as PM, Foreign Secretary, Mayor of London and editor of The Spectator.

“I will turn up for photoshoots, milk the publicity for all it is worth and magically get the credit while making sod-all effort.

“As new chief of the Met I say to the criminals of London: rape, steal, pillage and riot all you like. You won’t be able keep it up forever, you know. And after a while, when all of you are thoroughly worn out from your criminal activities, I’ll be able to say triumphantly: ‘Bozza brought law and order to the streets of London!’

“Hang on! Who stole the wheels off my bloody bike?”

image from pixabay

Horseman of the Apocalypse advertise for a new member ‘with Sat Nav’

Journey time to disasters could be cut in half if harbingers of doom were to abandon their traditional equine method. To this end ‘Misfortune’ has offered his services, with his sturdy 1974 Ford Pinto. Instead of trusting to the map reading skills of his girlfriend ‘Whimsy’, the new member of the team puts his faith in a cheap, non-branded version of Sat Nav (as recommended by his brother-in-law ‘Capricious’).

He said: ‘I may not have the name recognition of a Famine or Death but nothing says Misfortune like a Ford Pinto’

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

Leader of the House makes his presence felt