It is predicted that by 2030, 46% of all court cases in the U.S. will involve Donald Trump as either plaintiff or defendant and some cases both. A spokesmen said: ‘The important thing is that every part of the judiciary is named Trump. Think of his name like some large, woven mesh covering all things legal. This candy-floss injunction or lawsuit comb-over if you will, is there to protect every humble billionaire.’
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Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced that he is mounting an expedition to photograph and, ideally, to capture the legendary yeti or abominable snowman.
"I decided to start easy.", explained Mr Rees-Mogg, "I'm popping off to the Himalayas tomorrow with my support team and I'm very confident that Nanny will easily spot an ape one third of a perch in height - she found Mr Teddy when he was lost."
"Obviously, I will be liaising with the Foreign Secretary. Mr Raab has informed me that the Himalayas are somewhere near Ceylon, so I will be catching an early carriage tomorrow as for certain logistical reasons, travelling through the small island of Europe has become rather problematic recently."
When asked how this expedition would affect his new job finding Brexit benefits, Mr Rees-Mogg paused, then said "I'm also planning a trip to Loch Ness."
In an unparalleled show of strength, the Labour Leader has comprehensively cut off all ties with the electorate, adopting a strategy of hiding from his own shadow. An aide said: ‘Appealing to voters is just pandering. Ed is too strong for that. He resolutely resists the urge to develop policies. Attacking the coalition is just what people want. But Ed’s his own man. Did I mention his strength? Or his independence?’
Tom Watson was the first of the shadow cabinet to endorse Ed’s leadership by resigning. Said the aide: ‘Ed can’t talk now. He’s currently submerged in an isolation tank. But I can confirm we are moving our base of operations to a cave in Afghanistan. Ed needs to distance himself from the hurly burly of fulfilling his constitutional role of trying to make the country better through effective opposition. Using a series of meditative exercises, he hopes to reach a higher plane of consciousness, where people and their votes don’t matter.’
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