Arab Spring just ordinary Tap Water

Citizens of Cairo are starting to realise that the expensive bottled ‘democracy’, they were offered, may not be as refreshing as once thought. The US branded carbonated freedom just tastes the same - once it has lost its fizz.

Said one Egyptian: ‘So I pay $3 for something I could have got from the faucet for less than one cent? Democracy may not fall from the sky, but, when you’re thirsty, you’ll let others sell it back to you at a vastly inflated price’.

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Rees-Mogg gets Brexit opportunity for ‘Sunlit Uplands’ screenplay

After another Academy snub, Jacob Rees-Mogg has returned to his Brexit-based screenplay, ‘Sunlit Uplands’ and will use his new position as Minister for Brexit Opportunities to conduct gonzo research.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers noted ‘Jacob R Mogg is the Hunter S Thompson of Dickensian villainy. That time he napped in the Commons was because he was working so hard on this screenplay. Can you imagine him in the Los Angeles sunshine? He’d turn to dust. If he were a vampire, which he almost certainly isn’t. Casting Nadine as Boris' love interest though? Bit obvious.’

In search of a more dramatic narrative arc, Rees-Mogg is said to have fired up the Unnecessary Human Suffering Machine – or the Brexitron 3000. It produced an unearthly glow and either the machine or Rees-Mogg boomed ‘Grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom, ahahahaha’.

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New government chief of communications positive spin machine installed wrong way up

Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.

Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.

Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.

Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:

'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.

'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.

'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.

'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'

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