In a somewhat dishevelled and confused state, the London Mayor announced today that he was prepared to tender his ‘seed’ to the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge. Spokesmen for the Mayor’s office: ‘The Mayor has long been a proponent of polygamous and experimental sexual unions. His free love credentials are unimpeachable.
‘His Bullingdon love juice will guarantee a yellow-tufted heir to the throne. Just don’t expect him to hang around afterwards’.
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The Prime Minister is described as being too busy to make an apology for his Jimmy Savile statement directed at Kier Starmer. Whilst an apology would take at least 10 minutes (even for Boris) to assemble, a ’senior source’ has ‘advised’ that he ‘has got other stuff to get on with today’.
These include:-
Practising hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo
Practising tucking his shirt in properly (a long-term goal)
Practising a remorseful / contrite look in the mirror whilst simultaneously trying not to laugh
Preparing to prosecute journalists showing insufficient respect for Carrie Johnson
Setting up a top-level inquiry as to why bears are polluting the woods
Calling a COBRA meeting to determine what stuff is too sensitive or difficult to get on with.
Chugging in Whitehall to raise funds for new 11 Downing Street decorations (subject to availability of protection teams)
The spokesman added he will definitely NOT be practising the guitar chords to Nirvana’s ‘All apologies’
By robowuurzel2
The UN has told the International Olympic Committee to phase out all subjective sports by Brisbane 2032. Any sport reliant on the opinion of judges, rather than regulated by objective criteria, is to be binned.
‘There is a real danger with these sports that personal opinion, political bias, or reckless stupidity creeps into decision making,’ explained a janitor for the UN in Geneva. ‘Those not familiar with a specific sport can be completely baffled as to why one competitor is better than another. This can lead to enormous resentment for those who don’t know why their country’s twirl is not as good as another’s flick. You start to see bitterness and resentment leading to unbridled violence. With international tensions as high as they are, we can’t risk a fluffed fakie setting off World War III.’
The IOC has agreed to a phased withdrawal, starting with sports that should be objective but have an unnecessary subjective element, such as ski jumping. ‘From now on, whoever jumps the furthest will win. They can land on their backsides, for all I care, as long as they go long.’
It is not just international sport that will be affected. The BBC has said that it will review its own schedule of domestic competitions, with many fearing that Strictly may be for the chop. However, a spokesman for Eurovision has said that their judging has always been overtly political and has only been responsible for three minor skirmishes and the rise of modern terrorism.
By helenrushworth
