Priti Patels' spirit animal

Breaking news - Sir Keir Starmer 'killed Bambi's mother and stole Christmas claims Johnson

by demnicgroin

Shouting over his shoulder at opposition MPs while sprinting round the House of Commons to escape members of the Metropolitan Police, Boris Johnson today made a number of devastating claims about his opposite number in the House, Sir Keir Starmer. Among the claims made by Mr. Johnson were that Sir Keir 'did it and ran away', 'both smelt it and dealt it', and 'broke up the Beatles by being Yoko Ono'.

Critics of the Prime Minister countered by suggesting that Mr. Johnson might be making wild unsubstantiated allegations purely in order to distract attention from growing public anger over the number of illegal parties held at Number Ten, Downing Street during lockdown, to which Mr. Johnson riposted: 'Look over there, it's the Loch Ness Monster! Keir Starmer is the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot! You'll never take me alive, copper!'

Dominic Cummings was available for comment, but we felt dirty talking to him.

Russian war crimes would infringe US/UK copyright

The Prime Minister warned the Russian ambassador, that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law and would be blatantly 'pinch our idea!'. This sentiment was echoed by The White House, who claimed that sticking their nose where it does not belong, is as American as apple pie or type one diabetes.

The Kremlin rejected the idea that all imperialism was the purview of countries with 'United' in their title: 'Why should Western Democracies have all the fun?' We just want to return the Ukraine to a period of stability - we were thinking sometime during the Stalin years.'