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Breaking news - Sir Keir Starmer 'killed Bambi's mother and stole Christmas claims Johnson

by demnicgroin

Shouting over his shoulder at opposition MPs while sprinting round the House of Commons to escape members of the Metropolitan Police, Boris Johnson today made a number of devastating claims about his opposite number in the House, Sir Keir Starmer. Among the claims made by Mr. Johnson were that Sir Keir 'did it and ran away', 'both smelt it and dealt it', and 'broke up the Beatles by being Yoko Ono'.

Critics of the Prime Minister countered by suggesting that Mr. Johnson might be making wild unsubstantiated allegations purely in order to distract attention from growing public anger over the number of illegal parties held at Number Ten, Downing Street during lockdown, to which Mr. Johnson riposted: 'Look over there, it's the Loch Ness Monster! Keir Starmer is the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot! You'll never take me alive, copper!'

Dominic Cummings was available for comment, but we felt dirty talking to him.

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