Beckhams defeat Schadenfreude

One disheartened hack said, as he hid from direct sunlight: 'We’ve tried everything – sneering comments about tattoos, weight-loss, infidelity…we’ve even had a pop at their children. Nothing. Not a sausage.' he complained, while casting no reflection. 'The public refuse to turn against them. For some reason they find love of family and hard-work adorable.'

Choking on some garlic, one Editor remarked: 'It's like the British public are almost ‘happy’ for them. What does that mean? League titles in four countries, Olympic ambassador, style icon, pop superstar, charity work…it’s too much..it’s…it’s… I’m meeeeeelting.'

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/fotorech-5554393/

Jimmy Savile receives required number of letters

'Now then, now then, now then, what have we here? I have received this letter from a young man who has asked me to do something very special for him. This is what he says: "Dear Jim, Please, please, please can you fix it for me to get rid of that nasty Boris Johnson so that we can have an even worse Prime Minister?"

'Well, young man, your uncle Jim is here to make your dreams come true. Luckily for you, 53 other young people have written to me with exactly the same request, so let's watch this video together to see how they all got on at the 1922 Committee...'

Image: many thanks to the Conservative Party

Fears grow for covid after it is infected by Laurence Fox

Fears are growing for the wellbeing of the Covid-19 virus after it confirmed it has been infected by attention-seeking former actor Laurence Fox.

Covid has not been vaccinated against irritatingly smug self-promoters and is currently attempting to treat itself with unproven remedies, leading to real concerns about its future welfare.

"The best way to avoid being infected by a massively annoying bellend desperate for attention is to steer clear of things like social media and Question Time. Unfortunately, as covid spread through more and more of the population, the chances of it being exposed to Mr Fox increased." said Stephen Thompson, Professor of Virology at Oxford University.

"At this stage it is too early to say how the virus will cope with being infected by Laurence. We are hopeful though that it has developed a level of natural immunity from other morons it has already encountered, such as flat earthers and other anti-vaxxers."

One major fear is that covid's exposure to the former Lewis star could cause it to mutate to another new variant. One that will spout ridiculous bullshit on any platform in an increasingly pathetic attempt to remain relevant.

Image: ELG21 | Pixabay