Swanage man denies being Prime Minister

A man hitherto believed by many to be UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has shocked the country by denying it.

During an interview on Sky, when being asked about the Chancellor's Spring Statement having done little or nothing for the poor or disadvantaged, the man, a rotund shock-headed and rather bumbling individual said: 'Look, here. Why do you keep addressing me as prime minister? I'm James (Jimbo to my chums) Anstruther.'

The puzzled presenter said: 'Well, I do so because in fact you are. You're Boris Johnson, aren't you. You are the British Prime Minister?"

There then followed a bizarre exchange when the man stated repeatedly and categorically he was not Mr Johnson, insisting: 'Piffle, poffle and wiffle. I am James Anstruther, a market gardener from Swanage."

In what's being seen as a worrying development, a Mr James Anstruther, market gardener from Swanage was unavailable for comment today. One close neighbour said he had not been seen around the locality for at least a week, when he was last spotted flanked by two shadowy figures being bundled into the back of a large black limousine.

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged.

"I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of jewellery and the kids' Playstations. What else could I have done?"

"But in recognition of the fact that my actions were undoubtedly illegal, I am happy to comply fully with the legal penalties for my actions, by which I mean give them the £50 I got their DVD collection."

Mr Pebbledash, who police suspect is also responsible for similar offences in Southampton and Liverpool, was then heard protesting loudly and making waves. "My citizenship is registered in Bermuda, you can't arrest me in the UK" as he was led off to cells pending formal charging.

Image/Pixabay/TheDigitalWay

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