MP comes out as habitual liar

A senior MP has spoken of his habitual lying tendency today, asking for 'understanding' and 'compassion' in what appears to be a life-long problem.

'I - er - piffle - have led a life of self-deceit for - er -years, convincing myself - nay everybody - that I'm telling the truth but, alas, it is all a lie. I want to come out and let the world know that anything that comes out of these two lips are lies,' he added. Asked if he was telling the truth the MP smiled, ran his hands through permanently tousled hair and confirmed that everything he had just said was 'absolutely the truth'.

'You can trust me, I wouldn't lie,' he added. 'And if you vote for me I'll cut taxes, just as I always have.'

Bullingdon Club members urged to have brain scans

A recent H&S study of biaxially-oriented polypropylene, from which modern polymer banknotes are manufactured, has revealed that when attempted to be lit, produce noxious fumes that, if inhaled, can cause brain damage.

Although polymer banknotes were introduced some time after Boris Johnson gained notoriety by setting fire to a £50 note in front of a homeless man, doctors are concerned that people with money to burn may be practising with polymer notes and have urged anyone likely to be engaging in this practice to have their brain scanned, mainly to check whether they have one

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Putin's promise to withdraw about as believable as Johnson's

.