top of page
Search

Markets crash over Martin/Paltrow split



Often seen as the perfect yoga couple, they provided inspiration for thousands of similar scrawny artists, in need of a good wash and some home cooking. Explained one analyst: ‘No one can replace Chris’ insipid ballads or Gwyneth’s patronizing lifestyle advice’.


Mr. Martin found fame with his iconic ode to a dehydrated urinary stream – ‘Yellow’, while Ms. Paltrow is renowned for her reprising her role as ‘bland, fawning, blonde girl’ in twenty-eight sequels to the Iron Man franchise. ‘It’s almost as if a light has been extinguished. A rather smug, some would say skinny light’.





Bitcoins to be replaced with Lego


Naturally the interlocking plastic brick has been identified as an ideal replacement, offering both colour, durability and an ever-present threat to bare feet. With around 560 billion parts produced, there should be no problem maintaining cash flow to meet monetary demand. One city analyst explained: ‘Virtual currency is all very well but the public want something they can hold in their hand – or ideally turn into a miniature car with wings…with some guns!’.


Some six-year-olds may be sitting on a fortune, while savers are advised to dismantle their nearest vacuum cleaner. What this will do to the average pay-packet is unsure – but the average wallet will look decidedly lumpy. Meanwhile Scotland has expressed a preference for a currency union involving tartan themed Duplo. ’And who doesn’t want their money on display in the form of a life-size Millennium Falcon?’




Man told to stop picking his nose for ideas



His wife complained: ‘He primarily communicates through stamping feet, Neolithic grunts and writing on stone tablets with his own excrement. I’ve tried distracting him with brightly coloured bits of string but he will insist on eating the play-pit sand. Oh, what now?’ she sighed. ‘You’ll have to excuse me, my toddler is teaching him to lick the plug socket’.





bottom of page