Boris Johnson 'no longer trusted' with sharp objects

UK diplomats have subsequently child-proofed all trade agreements, put treaties out of hands reach and banished Mr. Johnson to the 'naughty step' until the next General Election. This follows on from his time as Foreign Secretary when he was not allowed anything to do with Foreigners.

No longer trusted with the English language, Mr. Johnson will be confined to communicating through a series of gestures, grunting noises and inevitable Bullingdon-style faeces throwing.

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Pope not Santa

The Vatican has been forced into an embarrassing confession that Pope Francis has been fraudulently passing himself off as an arbitrator of good and bad behaviour, while gorging on turkey-stuffing and sherry. The Pope has been caught dressed in a false beard appearing at grottos and shopping malls, demanding mince pies and only the ‘prettiest of elves’.

Leaked papers suggest that for decades a whole series of Popes had been taking credit for Father Christmas’ efforts, often disguising their popemobile as a sleigh. To make matters worse these Popes have been illicitly stealing kisses under the mistletoe, yet with no evidence of any pontiff delivering any presents - other than the timeless gift of ‘Catholic guilt’.

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Marine Le Pen channels Miss Trunchbull

In an attempt to fulfil Roald Dahl’s dying wish, France’s far-right leader has proposed locking foreign children in ‘chokey’ style camps and finally hurling them by their pigtails back into The Channel.

Le Pen is France’s answer to Sarah Palin – if the question was, who is more scary than Sarah Palin. Currently she is running under the slogan: ‘I’m not as racist as my Dad’. A spokeswoman denied she was plagiarizing female villains, despite wearing a coat made of Dalmatians, with a winged monkey on her lap.

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