Goth News: Nothing Funny About Current World Situation

Goth News is sad to acknowledge that current events have reached the threshold of comedic potential. A dismal cost of living crisis, a buffoon at the helm and poor Doctor Who episodes are pushing Britian to the edge.

Absolutely no joy can be taken from any element of the world, except Joy Division and deep down its all quite depressing isn't it?

We'll all be sitting in room with black walls later putting on nail polish, please feel free to attend, there's a lot to stare blankly into the distance at.

Moscow claims Kabuthian craft from the Orion Spur crashed into Moskva

"Citizens of Russia, our superior technology had been tracking an alien craft from the Andromeda Galaxy heading towards Earth for a number of months. We did not wish to cause alarm for the peoples of the planet as we are a peace-loving nation. We attempted to set up a task force to repel the potential attack, which we calculated would make landfall in the south of Ukraine.

"Sadly, we must now inform you that whilst repelling that craft our flagship, the Moskva was hit by a Shrödinger Raygun which incapacitated, and then sank it. Consequently, the crew have been killed and are very much alive. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding created by the false news perpetrated by the Western powers".

Johnson to be accompanied by a circus clown during all future TV and media appearances

Number Ten has announced because everyone in the country is so fed up listening to Boris Johnson trotting out an endless stream lies and risible shite, that from today and in all subsequent media appearances, his message will be conveyed through the medium of mime performed by a circus clown.

And in a controversial break from normal protocols, it is understood this will also be the format during PMQs, when Mr Johnson will be joined weekly at the despatch box by the newly appointed Minister of Mirth (he's a cheerful chappie boys and girls) Cheeky Charlie Chuckles.

A spokesman told reporters: "The PM will whisper to Charlie to translate the words to mime, while for added clarity, Charlie will also use a set of antique car horns to toot something along the lines of: ‘Parp-parp… burmff. Parp… blare… squeak-squeal-squawk. Parpity parp-parp-parp. Buroooof.’

Reporters leaving today's briefing were upbeat giving the new system a cautious welcome, with many saying it had to be a massive improvement on the current arrangement. "We now may just finally have something vaguely believable to report," commented one hack.