As Easter temperatures soar new report says Britain's seaside destinations are still shite

Despite the UK basking in balmy temperatures over Easter, a report has found the British seaside holiday is still completely shite.

The report concludes: ‘During Britain's annual two sunny days, media sources will often boast of temperatures “hotter and Marbella", as some kind of jingoistic justification Brits should eschew foreign destinations and opt for taking holidays at traditional seaside resorts. They are misguided.’

‘Imagine a pretty little beachside bistro in Portofino. Glamorous, sophisticated couples sit at tables eating lovingly created fish and pasta dishes while sipping delicious chilled local wines.’

‘A comparable experience in Skegness is more likely a fish and chip takeaway located on a traffic-clogged road, where one must jostle one’s way through hordes of brawling skinheads, singing football chants and throwing beer bottles at rival supporters.'

Nevertheless, feisty Gina Plopp, landlady of The Seaview B&B in Skegness (en suite rooms - tea & coffee making facilities), has hit back. ‘That report's nonsense. Britain’s seaside is the best place in the world for a holiday. There's donkey rides, candy floss, Punch and Judy for the kiddies and when it’s wet we got all-day Bingo.’

Putin celebrates capture of millions of tonnes of rubble

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Greatest mystery of Easter revealed to be 'Man's interest in snooker'

The millennia-long fascination with the Christian resurrection story has been eclipsed as the greatest Easter mystery by a Retford man's inexplicable interest in the World Championship Snooker tournament on TV, his exasperated wife has confirmed.

Mike McBride will spend at least 12 hours each day for the next fortnight watching players he has mostly never heard of and has little interest in, hitting balls of different colours around a 12x6 table.

'Explaining how a mortal could feed 5000 people with a couple of loaves and some old bits of pollock, and how someone can emerge from a locked tomb after being dead for 3 days are a piece of piss compared to comprehending Mike's interest for 2 weeks in the 'green baize' said his wife Sarah.

'He never mentions snooker all year, ut suddenly on Easter Saturday, he's telling me how Barry Hawkins is always difficult to beat in matchplay and how the nap of the table at the Crucible Theatre makes it hard to judge stun with the spider....I mean, what the hell does any of that actually mean?'.

'Miracles? Let me tell you, if I hear John Virgo tell me one more time that Ding Junhui has a 'shot to nothing' here, it will be a sodding miracle if I don't go up to Sheffield and shove a cue up his baulk cushion. He'll be needing snookers after that.'

'Oh, did you just see O'Sullivan caress that long blue into the corner pocket playing left-handed?', said Mike excitedly from his settee. 'God really does move in mysterious ways'.