US intelligence agencies forced to disclose their ‘porn stash'

The Washington Post has revealed the financial breakdown of the CIA & NSA’s ‘black budget’ but within that is a smaller, more explicit, ‘blue budget’. A significant proportion of the $52.6bn set aside for counter-intelligence was spent on a month’s subscription to ‘Scatological Times’, holiday snaps of Vladimir Putin and Tea Party ‘tea-bagging’.

A slightly flustered White House spokesman explained: ‘In the interest of national security it’s sometimes necessary to monitor the population. This could involve miniature shower-cams, spy-holes just above your bed or an inflatable Joe Biden doll’.

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UKIP xenophobia to be upgraded to ‘sinister'

While 23% of voters are alleged to have given UKIP serious consideration, it should also be noted that a similar percentage of the public have also considered attaching a vacuum cleaner to their genitals. Said one bemused voter: ‘I was told to go back to where I come from. Odd, because I come from Dudley’.

With the same nagging self-doubt that accompanies the wearing of speedos on the beach, UKIP is gradually becoming cognizant that their candidate vetting process has all the caution of a tramp on chips. Said one UKIP councillor: 'When we compare Islam to the Third Reich, the Press automatically assume this is an unfavourable comparison. Far from it. We are big fans of Islam, the Third Reich and Euro-Disney. Anything that annoys the French is okay with us.’

https://pixabay.com/photos/security-alarm-monitor-cyber-5043368

Easter Bunny: 'Crucifixion and death hurting the brand'

A recent survey confirmed that no-one ever knows when Easter is, prompting the Easter Bunny to complain that Christmas' superior branding is leaving Easter trailing.

PR expert Naveed Nasir said 'Easter's biggest problem is all the betrayal, crucifixion and death. The rising again doesn't happen for three whole days! Baby Jesus is just an easier sell than Adult Jesus. Christmas has a fixed date and as for presents - the concept is genius even though I would rather get an iPhone and an Amazon voucher than frankincense and myrrh. Easter also needs some better tunes. Slade didnt write "Here it is, Merry Easter" and Chris Rea isn't "Driving home for Easter". Not through those tailbacks anyway. I'm not sure The Stone Roses' "I am the resurrection" is enough on its own.'

A spokesbunny wrinkled its nose adorably before saying 'Here at Easter HQ, we know we have a perception problem. Santa Claus can give kids any present they want and the Easter Bunny (aka Easy B) is limited to vastly overpriced chocolate eggs, which the kids then have to find. And rabbits don't even lay eggs - it makes no sense. Also Santa's got his corporate sponsorship all tied up with Coca Cola (and the John Lewis ads). Come on Cadbury's (and maybe Waitrose?), you know it makes sense. Can I offer you a hot cross bun?'

image from pixabay