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UKIP xenophobia to be upgraded to ‘sinister'

While 23% of voters are alleged to have given UKIP serious consideration, it should also be noted that a similar percentage of the public have also considered attaching a vacuum cleaner to their genitals. Said one bemused voter: ‘I was told to go back to where I come from. Odd, because I come from Dudley’.

With the same nagging self-doubt that accompanies the wearing of speedos on the beach, UKIP is gradually becoming cognizant that their candidate vetting process has all the caution of a tramp on chips. Said one UKIP councillor: 'When we compare Islam to the Third Reich, the Press automatically assume this is an unfavourable comparison. Far from it. We are big fans of Islam, the Third Reich and Euro-Disney. Anything that annoys the French is okay with us.’

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