Cornwall turns out to be a real place

Much to the surprise of cartographers and pasty lovers, the EU has confirmed that ‘the bit that stops Devon getting too wet’ is not just a fairy story, told to children to warn about the perils of a dairy-rich diet. Contrary to popular belief and tax-returns, Cornwall is actually populated by indigenous bipeds, whose DNA comprises of 38% whortleberry pie and gerty milk.

Along with Brigadoon, Social Equality and the G-spot, Cornwall was previously thought to be an imaginary locale – declared a Duchy by George III during one of his less lucid moments. Cornish folklore (or ‘Ye olde Tourist Trap’) refers to a lost world situated at the heart of Earth's clotted cream core, with twee mythic creatures drunk on cider.

European rules will grant the Cornish people minority status and all the same rights as other small mammals. A spokesman confirmed: ‘The Cornish will gain the same status as other Celtic communities – with their own embarrassing Eurovision entry, spurious Scrabble words and absence from World Cup football finals.’

https://pixabay.com/photos/path-avenue-forest-passage-5226757

Jeremy Clarkson’s ‘twinkle’ in his eye, is just the fires of hell

One theologian remarked: ‘I’m not saying Chipping Norton is Gomorrah but only the devil wears denim and smells of woodbines. Satan would definitely write for News Corp and try to deflower of James May. He’d also drive a BMW’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/sarahrichterart-1546275/

Elon Musk offers to buy "100% of Twitter for $43bn" or "200% for $86bn"

Billionaire Elon Musk has offered $43bn to personally acquire Twitter. More controversially, he has offered $86bn to buy two Twitters.

"It's good to have a spare", explained Mr Musk, "I kept my old phone when I upgraded recently, just in case something happens. If I accidentally dropped Twitter or, more likely, accidentally got involved in a ruinous libel suit, then I'd like to have another one I could pull out of the drawer."