One Tory MP can feed a family of five for a year

As the debate rages as to whether the poor would prefer to starve on 30 or 40p a day, one generous MP has donated his giblets to a local food bank. He explained: 'I wanted to prove you could eat economically, provided you weren't too picky about the taste of human flesh'.

The MP reported to his nearest abattoir and his final remains were repackaged as veal cutlets. Said one grateful recipient: 'He was a great MP but an even tastier main. And there was so much meat on the bone - they must have been force feeding him for years'.

For those wanting a vegetarian option, a local councillor from the Green Party has been approached. One dietician remarked: 'MPs are a rich source of free range meat which, in turn, should be served with a rich sauce'. A spokeswoman for the Vegan society said: 'Normally we'd say meat is murder but in this case, we say go for it'.

Rebekah Vardy lands job producing tabloid epigrams

Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.

Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.

‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.

‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’

Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.

Bill and Ben reboot in jeopardy as one half of iconic duo goes missing

Kiddies TV favourite, Ben, one half of iconic showbiz duo, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, has stunned BBC top brass by going missing just days before the much-heralded reboot of their classic show.

A programme insider said: 'We're all gutted as a lot of cash has been ploughed into the new series, but now Ben's gone and jeopardised it all. He was booked with Bill to appear on the sofa tomorrow morning with Charlie Stayt and Naga Munchetty, too. How could he be so selfish!'

It's understood the troubled star had recently been described as 'being a bit down in the dumps' at rehearsals. Speaking to reporters this evening and visibly shaken longtime pal Bill choked: 'Uddap buddap slobbadap. Buddap buddap pobbledap' before breaking down inconsolably.

Little Weed, longtime 'GF' to both stars, something that in itself has been the cause of many rumours that all three are living in an open relationship, has so far remained tight-lipped.

But in a long showbiz career, this isn't the first time that the the terracotta twosome has been mired in controversy; once famously having been arrested at Heathrow for being in possession of four bags of John Innes potting compost when getting off a flight from Ibiza.

Police have requested members of the public seeing Ben should not approach him but contact CBBC instead.