Election Campaigns kick start five months of uninterrupted lying

Candidates are expected to indulge in levels of non-stop shiftiness, which would normally send Pinocchio looking for emergency rhinoplasty. One animal behaviourist explained: ‘There are subtle tell-tale signs when a politician is lying. Their lips move’.

Their perfidious election promises are less like a Trojan Horse filled with sneaky Greeks and more like a dyspeptic donkey about to unleash a fountain of diarrhoea on your best rug. Then they will rub salt in into the wound, or faeces into the shag pile, by spending the next five years telling you how it is your fault and that you have to pay for the clean-up.

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George RR Martin to finish Sue Gray report

Known as a completer/finisher, the Game of Thrones author has been commissioned to speed things up. Fans are expecting a real work of fantasy, as are the Metropolitan police.

His publisher confirmed: 'George is infamous for killing off characters, but apparently Boris and Covid have already done that. I've told him, it needs to be like the Red Wedding but with more pub quizzes. And not only will it take far too long to finish, no one will like the ending'.

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Tractor porn is NOT going to be legalised, says government

A long overdue review of porn laws aimed at decriminalising pornographic material has been launched by the government. 'Because most porn is technically illegal it is difficult if not impossible for those who make a lot of money from porn to do the decent thing and pay their taxes,' pointed out a government minister today, 'so we are looking at decriminalising the most popular porn in an attempt to give the taxpayers of this country a bit of a break and to ensure we have at least five Members outside of gaol by the next General Election,' he added.

The aim isn't to decriminalise everything, just the acceptable bits like topless and bottomless photographs, BDSM, bestiality, snuff movies and anything that wouldn't have turned Jimmy Savile on. 'Tractor porn isn't on the list,' the minister said. 'That's just sick. I'd take the whip off anyone viewing that filth, and use it on myself time and time again. Oh, that feels sooooooooo good.'

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