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Big Pharma's Next Big Killing



A spokesperson for BGP, Big Greedy Pharma, announced today the company's next megaproject, yet another way to amass even greater mountains of money. The latest target has been revealed as a vaccine against humanity and altruism.


Mr S. Forbrains was visibly excited as he said "It's easy for big pharmaceutical companies to get complacent with profits piling up faster than Covid corpses. Already we have created a world where it's considered normal for a CEO to sack thousands of workers by SMS to save a few quid while simultaneously giving himself a 300% rise on his already huge salary. But there are still people out there who believe in things like equity, justice, humanity and even altruism. So we've been targeting the genes which generate these weaknesses and are very optimistic about current trials. The Tory Holy Grail of 'hearts of stone' may be just round the bend. This could make King Herod and Priti Patel look like bleeding-heart, snowflake liberals."


Sounding a contrary note, a spokesperson for the Conservative Party warned, "They may have grossly overestimated the market. All our members and most of our voters already have natural immunity. And because we are Conservatives, we really don't care about the rest."



Couple admits giving CAPTCHA test more second chances than their marriage

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Scientists have concluded that human perseverance is at its strongest in the face of cryptic passwords and trying recall your cat's maiden name. Keeping a marriage together for the sake of the children, requires a lot less energy than remembering how to unlock your phone. When asked, one robotics engineer commented: 'The key difference between a computer and a human, is that a computer wouldn't waste time on this nonsense'.




Boris decides that one a day is enough



With 100 days left to use paper £50 notes, Boris Johnson has decided the best way to wean himself off burning them in front of homeless people by restricting himself to one a day. "It will be tough", the PM admitted, "but I have to prove to myself that I can do it by the time it's no longer possible."


When asked how much this habit had been costing he added "It hasn't been cheap, and it's why I wanted Carrie to get the £100K job. We've known that paper money was on its way out for a long time and her £100K a year would have allowed us to invite the homeless to Downing Street for a money burning party."



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