Conservatives' clean break to be one of two architects of broken government

'We're looking to the future,' suggested a Conservative spokesman today, explaining that the next Prime Minister will be different from the last Prime Minister despite both supporting the last Prime Minister through thick and thin - mainly thick to be honest. 'Whoever wins the ballot will be different because until now they haven't had a chance to influence the way the country is run,' added the spokesman, who also admitted he'd previously been a gag writer for Nadine Dorries and really didn't know what that appendage in the middle of his arm was for. 'Pooping?' he asked.

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Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election

The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese.

'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your polling numbers - she's a one woman wrecking ball, with exactly the same density.

'She already has several campaign slogans; 'I'm with Stupid', 'Truss is Trust spelt wrong', 'Vote for Liz, she licks plugs', 'Idiocy is a Brexit Dividend', 'I eat crayons' and the tuneful 'Dumb dee dumb dumb!'.

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Charles Bronson to use public parole hearing to enter Tory leadership race

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