Metrology Crisis As Size Of Wales Increases

The current wave of searing heat blazing its way across the United Kingdom is creating acute difficulties for all those involved in the science and practice of precise measurement, from anxious scientists and surveyors to exhausted, scoop-wielding ice cream vendors as they dream of the luxury yachts they will buy with the season's takings.

With wooden rulers catching fire and steel tapes melting, increasing reliance is once again having to be placed on more permanent, geographical units, and particularly on internationally recognised standards such as the area of that principality sticking out of the left-hand side of Britain, about half-way up.

So how much has the size of Wales increased in recent days? 'By an area almost as great as the size of Anglesey' explained Professor Jones from the University of Bagwyllydiart. 'Unfortunately, this is complicated by the fact that Anglesey itself, of course, has also expanded. So the expansion is exponential.'

'But we're keeping that quiet because of all those numerically illiterate people who think 'exponential' necessarily means a rapid growth and that Wales is therefore on its way to enveloping the entire planet, covering it, drystone wall-to-drystone wall, in sheep and male voice choirs. A snail's shell, for example, grows 'exponentially' but we're not in any immediate danger of being crushed by an avalanche of giant killer snails slithering relentlessly across the land.'

'So how much has the size of Anglesey increased, you ask. Easy! By an amount, almost the size of Holy Island. Er, except that that, too, has expanded - by more than the size of South Stack.'

Welsh Flag Pennant - Free photo on Pixabay

Striking midwives advise patients to ‘cross their legs and hope’

Naturally MPs, having received a 10% wage hike, were quick to point out how greedy midwives are asking for a 1% increase. The Health Minister remarked: ‘I can’t see what all the fuss is about – pulling a human being out of another human being – where’s the skill in that? Now, if it was a rabbit or a bunch of flowers - that would be impressive.’

The advice to any women who may have a small person tunnelling their way out, as if their uterus was Colditz, was to avoid spicy food and look out for the sensation of gushing water down your leg. One screaming mother-to-be said, between contractions: ‘You want me to wait? You’ve got to be joking! You try squeezing a melon out of your Jeremy Hunt!’

https://pixabay.com/photos/baby-hand-infant-finger-small-4107327

Six ways to stay cool

There are extreme temperatures across most of the UK. A significant health risk comes from the heat inside people's homes. So how can we reduce these temperatures?

1. WALK AROUND NAKED

Alternatively, for ladies, perhaps a skimpy cotton T-shirt, preferably wet, will have a chilling effect where it matters most.

2. LEAVE THE FRIDGE AND FREEZER WIDE OPEN

You may find your bottles of Sol and your frozen peas will not be quite so cool as before, but it's all part of balancing things out. Be prepared to drink as much of the Sol as you can while it is still chilled. That will transfer the coldth (that is the opposite of warmth, right?) in to your body with the bonus effect that after several bottles you may not even be conscious of the heat.

3. CLOSE ALL THE CURTAINS AND BLINDS

Yep, the neighbours will wonder what you're up to, but stumbling around half-pissed, naked, in the dim hallway, lit only by the faint light from the fridge in the kitchen, won't be one of their guesses.

4. DON'T HAVE SEX

As if anyone would have the energy. But seriously, despite the advice in 1 above to the lovely ladies, just don't. It's all squelchy and soggy enough in a typical November, but these days you'll melt in to a little puddle of a weird mixture of your own bodily fluids if you even try to find solace in the slippery arms of your loved one.

5. MOVE TO DUBAI OR QATAR

These traditionally cooler climates will seem very attractive now. Well, apart from the no drinking. And the no nakedness. And the secret police trying to find out what's going on behind the curtains. On second thoughts, try Center Parcs.

6. BE MORE LIKE PRINCE ANDREW

He must be loving this heat, right? Sweat? No way. That man's got it all under control. We should all be like him. Well, maybe not completely like him, but you know ...

Strawberry Drink Fruit Tea Ice - Free photo on Pixabay