There are extreme temperatures across most of the UK. A significant health risk comes from the heat inside people's homes. So how can we reduce these temperatures?
1. WALK AROUND NAKED
Alternatively, for ladies, perhaps a skimpy cotton T-shirt, preferably wet, will have a chilling effect where it matters most.
2. LEAVE THE FRIDGE AND FREEZER WIDE OPEN
You may find your bottles of Sol and your frozen peas will not be quite so cool as before, but it's all part of balancing things out. Be prepared to drink as much of the Sol as you can while it is still chilled. That will transfer the coldth (that is the opposite of warmth, right?) in to your body with the bonus effect that after several bottles you may not even be conscious of the heat.
3. CLOSE ALL THE CURTAINS AND BLINDS
Yep, the neighbours will wonder what you're up to, but stumbling around half-pissed, naked, in the dim hallway, lit only by the faint light from the fridge in the kitchen, won't be one of their guesses.
4. DON'T HAVE SEX
As if anyone would have the energy. But seriously, despite the advice in 1 above to the lovely ladies, just don't. It's all squelchy and soggy enough in a typical November, but these days you'll melt in to a little puddle of a weird mixture of your own bodily fluids if you even try to find solace in the slippery arms of your loved one.
5. MOVE TO DUBAI OR QATAR
These traditionally cooler climates will seem very attractive now. Well, apart from the no drinking. And the no nakedness. And the secret police trying to find out what's going on behind the curtains. On second thoughts, try Center Parcs.
6. BE MORE LIKE PRINCE ANDREW
He must be loving this heat, right? Sweat? No way. That man's got it all under control. We should all be like him. Well, maybe not completely like him, but you know ...