Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for Sentimentality has issued its first ever 'Lucozade-cellophane-orange alert" to prepare people for potential shortages of reminisce about the long summer of 1976.

'This year has been unprecedented for sure,' said department spokesperson Penny Chews. 'The high temperatures and dry spells have combined to remind people who were children at the time of the happiness they felt lying in the grass with an artificially coloured and flavoured ice-pop; all while being blissfully unaware of the stand-pipes, buckling railway tracks and excess deaths. Forums are awash with survivorship bias, dangerously eating into our reserves stored in Memory Lane like someone who's discovered an entire case of Texan Bars.'

To preserve the dwindling resource, the department recommends only posting online after consulting Wikipedia to remove the Mandela-effect, and people focusing memories on lesser-used areas in the summer such as Boil-in-the-bag dinners and Saturday Morning Picture shows.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way through, but definitely is experiencing the hottest day since the last hot day. That would be the one last month, or maybe the month before, the day Reform thugs rioted outside a Wetherspoons or ladybirds infested every nook and cranny of every street up and down the UK.

Or that might have been 1976, ask your granny as she goes to Wetherspoons, supports Reform and probably still remembers 1976 like it was yesterday.  Grok believes the ladybirds were rioting over a huge amount of foreign greenfly and says it was definitely Wetherspoons where they succumbed to the heat and stuck to the carpets.  Who knew ladybirds were racists? @grok, are ladybirds racist?  It seems Grok knew.

A Met Office spokesperson said the unseasonably warm weather will continue until it stops, when it will probably be cooler, possibly wetter, maybe both. The change will happen later in the week or possibly the month.  Definitely by December, 2025 or 2026.

Photo by Artur Tarhoni on Unsplash

UK braced for increased levels of sweating

The UK is experiencing another heatwave, which will unfortunately cause increased levels of sweating. Here are some of the embarrassing sweat stains you will have to deal with in the next few days:

Armpit Circles - Despite applying half a can of deodorant, within 5 minutes of putting on a clean shirt dark circles will start to appear under your arms. Avoid embarrassment by keeping your arms rigidly by your sides all day, in the style of Michael Flatley when he’s about to launch into a bout of Riverdancing.

Boob Crescents – Whether you have breasts or man boobs, soaring temperatures will cause crescent shaped sweat stains to appear under them. You could fold your arms under your chest to hide the Boob Crescents, although that might risk exposing your Armpit Circles.

Arse Pool – Sweat running down your back will be channeled into the crevice between your bum cheeks, creating a pool of sweat in your pants. Avoid sitting down, otherwise when you get up you’ll leave a tell-tale sweaty arse print on the seat.

Groin V – Sweat will gather in the creases at the tops of your legs, soaking through your trousers to form a dark V-shape around your groin area. Carry a large bag and hold it in front of your groin to hide this embarrassing sweat stain, otherwise people will think you’ve p*ssed yourself again.

Try not to worry about looking sweaty in the hot weather, as everyone else will perspiring just as much as you. Apart from Prince Andrew, of course…

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tiburi-2851152/

First published 12 Aug 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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