References to summer of 1976 reach record high

The number of references made by the media back to the drought of 1976 have reached all-time high levels, with commentators warning that such comparisons are likely to become even more commonplace as global warming continues.

Footage of people gathering water at standpipes at the end of streets, blurry images of Southampton lifting the FA cup, all accompanied by a soundtrack of Elton John and Kiki Dee singing ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ have also reached dangerously high levels over the last few days.

‘People are going to have to get used to more namechecking of the famous summer of 76, as well as lots of poorly researched and confused montages of all things 70s and 80s’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Retro Studies at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly).

‘Even though it’s now scientifically proven that extensive sightings of white dog turds in the 70s were due to high calcium levels in bone-heavy dog food, it makes for a better story if reporters can link it to dogs eating too many Wham bars and drinking Rola-Cola’.

The current high levels of references to 1976 are expected to cool off later in the week,to be replaced by sone early 80s comparisons whenever the next Stranger Things episode comes out.

Tap Hydrant Waterworks Water - Free photo on Pixabay

Shia LaBeouf has head surgically removed from his arse

Said one reviewer of Transformers: ‘Not since David Hasselhoff has an actor made robot cars seem more emotionally engaging than their human counterpart'.

While a fan remarked: ‘Wearing a paper bag over his head at the Berlin Film Festival was either LaBeouf's sophisticated commentary on celebrity OR it was covering up the fact he’d done something daft to his face’.

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Senior Leadership Teams express their dismay at Tory Leader candidates debate

mid-managers from a variety of institutions have expressed their disappointment with the Tory leadership debates so far. A spokesbeing from FuckwitsЯus, the union of senior managers told Newsbiscuit told us that his members had been hoping to see an original angle in the route up the greasy pole, but so far it's just been the same boring tearing each other to bits stuff that senior management colleagues do on a daily basis.

"The dirty tricks have been mediocre to say the least", he said. "My members were hoping to see a bit of originality, such as someone coming up with an absurd impractical idea they could use themselves when the top job in their sphere of inexpertise comes up for grabs, but it's been same old, same old so far. In fact it was so dull, I changed channels half way through to watch the final stages of the golf Open for something more exciting.

For me, it isn't just about the candidates, it's about the teams behind them, which can tell you a lot about the candidates. For example the one that organised the photo of Penny Mourdant wearing fake medals might have least have been professional enough to have photoshopped them in the right way round. We'll never be able to get an utter twat we can relate to into No.10 with such sloppy practice as that.

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