Controversial statement made by Bran Coax, Professor of PE at the Shortt-Plancks Institute, Washington (Tyne and Wear).
"It's the same old sh*t," he declared to our Science Editor Jami Alkoloid. "Ten billion dollars, to look back (air quotes) 13 billion years and it still just looks like Firework Night.
"Dark matter, pah! My left nut. Let me tell you my own ground-breaking, or should that be firmament-breaking theory? It is called the Insects on the Windshield Theory. Basically, we are hurtling through space and .... Hey! Where are you going? The World needs to know this. Stop! My research grant runs out next month".
image from pixabay
The race for the Tory Leadership has hotted up with the revelation that all current Tory MPs will stand – and vote for themselves – in the first round of the leadership election, resulting in a 358-way 1-all draw.
Some candidates have been physically obscured by the sheer volume of British flags in their campaign videos, resulting in a flag shortage, price hikes and inflation. One MP was overheard shouting ‘Can’t those Vietnamese slave children stitch any faster? It’s what makes Britain great.’
One possible outcome of the second round of voting is that 357 Tory MPs will vote for themselves again but Nadine Dorries will vote for Boris Johnson, leading him to claim an overwhelming mandate, stay as Prime Minister and arrange for Michael Gove to have an unfortunate accident.
image from pixabay