- Lockjaw
- Jul 11, 2022
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Following the success of outlawing 'upskirting' and the recent attempts to ban 'downblousing', campaigners have succeeded in securing Parliamentary time to debate admiring middle aged men. 'For years men have had to endure women following them as they walked from the pub to the bookies,' said Bill, an ardent campaigner, today. 'Just because my jeans are baggy around the buttock area, revealing the crack of my arse when I stoop to pick up a discarded tab, doesn't give women the right to make lewd comments about wanting to park their bike - clearly a euphemism,' he added.
Alan agreed, 'they objectify my paunch,' he said patting his midriff and downing a pint of stout. 'If I was to comment about the size of a woman's breasts I'd be done for sexual harassment, but they think passing me a leaflet for weight-watchers, tapping my tummy and saying with a wink "see you there Thursday big guy" is acceptable. Everyone knows Thursdays are "pound a pint off" in the Crow.
Campaigners aren't too optimistic that they'll get the votes they need - middle aged men aren't considered worth keeping an eye on, according to research into MPs voting habits. 'Probably that new independent, Chris Pincher, can be relied to cast an eye over us,' said Bill
- NewsBiscuit
- Jul 10, 2022
Seen high-fiving party balloons, in nothing but a tiara and towelling dressing gown, the Crown Prince of Aberdeenshire East appeared oblivious to the democratic will of the Scottish people. Speaking to reporters the First Minister has claimed that two million Independence votes had been spoilt by ‘…putting the cross in the wrong box’.
Many seemed surprised as he was joined on stage by a Native American civil rights activist and a weeping Gwyneth Paltrow. Clutching a gold statuette to his chest, Mr. Salmond gushed that he would like to thank his agent, the members of the academy and he ‘couldn’t wait’ to see Alastair Darling’s head on a spike outside his new Balmoral residence.
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