Football transfer gossip to replace actual football

An internal Celestial Sports memo is to recommmend they stop showing actual football to focus solely on football transfers and gossip.

The memo read: 'Live football involves not one but two continuous 45 minute segments where we cannot show ads for gambling apps and Ray Winstone's disembodied head is not happy. We also can't show pointless countdowns to things or shots of footballers getting into or out of expensive cars. Or former professional players rehashing old grudges and failing to provide even basic analysis.'

'Transfer gossip provides fans with hope. Actual matches only prove that hope was misguided. Additionally, every penny Saudi Arabia spends on transfers for Newcastle United is a penny they aren't using to behead journalists, oppress women and silence critics of the regime.'

'The only potential downside is more airtime for Robbie Savage.'

Man happily surprised to find out all fast track places sold at airport

Martin Bosworth's annual stress-inducing trip to the Algarve, accompanied by his wife and at least three children he recognises, was expecting the stress to be off the scale this morning when he turned up at the airport, realising he hadn't remembered to book a fast-track place in the security queue.

'I'd been advised to book in advance for a fiver, then the one and a half hour wait should have been cut to five minutes, tops,' he said to reporters today. 'When we walked in we immediately took our place behind the half mile long snake of a queue, but were approached by an official who wanted to see our fast track booking reference. When I explained I hadn't booked fast track he forced us to leave the queue and stand in the non-fast track alongside, comprising of three people. Through in minutes,' he said beaming.

'Now all I need to do is arrange to have my baggage lost, trampled by a tractor and sent to the wrong continent. Then - I can relax,' he said.

Demotivated Horse Worries Where the Stick is Going to Go.

Winner: Sinnick

Runners-Up: "Love Island: The Tory Party edition." (Simon Marshall);

"Carrie Johnson practises her big moment in Boris Johnson's office on a family friend." (Jimskinz)