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Undead condemn bag for life 'discrimination'




Vampires, zombies, mummies and other members of the undead community have condemned British supermarkets for selling 'bags for life'.


Count Magnus de la Gardie says he was shocked when he first saw the bags for sale in his local Tesco.


'Obviously, I welcomed the all night shopping opportunity as I am unable to shop during daylight hours, er, because of the difficult parking, but when I filled my trolley with factor 5000 sunblock, and went to the checkout I was confronted with a bag for life. Who are they for? Not me, clearly.


'I began to explain this to the young lady on the till but I became rather distracted by her sweet, sweet neck and that led to this prison cell which means that, in turn, I might have to give up my seat in the House of Lords.'





This reporter also spoke to a zombie who preferred to remain anonymous - mainly because he'd forgotten his own name. The zombie simply repeated the phrase 'Me want bag for dead.' Although he did enquire if I actually needed my brains.

International Women’s Day ruins Sunday lunch


Men throughout the UK were outraged to discover that 0.2739726 of their year of idleness would be disrupted by the concept that maybe, just maybe, they should do the dishes for once. Women of all ages tentatively floated the idea that after several thousand years of oppression, they could be excused from a Sunday of feeding ravenous boys and being the only one holding this marriage together.


Next year, the Red Cross has agreed to send food parcels to those men incapable of fending for themselves. One disillusioned male said: ‘In the words of blues legend, Robert Johnson, I got up this morning and no one had made me a cup of tea. Yes, my wife may get 35% less pay, but she gets remunerated with satisfaction of knowing how well she’s ironed my shirt’.


A spokeswoman remarked: ‘International Women’s Day is about empowering women, but only once a year and lasting no more than 24 hours. You’ll have to excuse me, now, I’ve got to put the roast potatoes on’.



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