Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak claim to have Tats

In a new development in the leadership contest, both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak have made claims that they 'identify' with the poor people who they expect to vote the Conservatives back in as an indication of servitude in two years time.

A spokesperson for Ms Truss claimed Liz had a tattoo on each breast, one of Donald Trump's face, the other of Boris Johnson's. 'It's true, she popped into one of those common tattoo parlours when she was at a hustings in the North East,' enthused the spokesperson. 'She has their noses where her nipples are and she gets really turned on when either or both lie,' she added with a saucy wink. She confirmed Boris was tattooed on the right breast and Trump on the far right, naturally. She also suggested Ms Truss had previously had David Cameron's face tattooed on her butt, but wouldn't elaborate where his mouth was located.

Not to be outdone, Mr Sunak's spokesperson claimed the former Chancellor had a 3D barcode tattooed on his right shoulder. When scanned it brought up his Green card number and IRS Social Security number 'to save time at security'.

The Tory guide to saving water

1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools

2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.

3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.

4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.

5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.

The thing that Jerome K. Jerome never considered