Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi

Word from deep inside Conservative Party Central Office is that the next round of Tory Leadership Debates is to take place in the middle aisle of the Aldi supermarket in Gillingham.

Liz Truss, the Panda Pops Margaret Thatcher, the Travel-Iron Lady, will go up against Rushi Sunak, the illegitimate offspring of Mr Bean and that blue rat from that Pixar film, in what is said to be the Winner Takes All of Leadership Debates. Items on the agenda for discussion are believed to be: taking candy from babies, the flogging of dead horses and making the rich friends richer and their poor friends poorer.

A spokesperson for the Tories told our reporter: 'The middle aisle of the Aldi is the ideal location, in amongst the cassette players, the lawn darts, the welding kits, the socks with toes and the wetsuits that are just a little bit too small or too big. It's the ideal place to find something you didn't really want, something of dubious origin you don't really need, and which will be obsolete, forgotten and on the scrap heap in less than a year.'

Image: Pinacol | Pixabay

Surprise that only 1 in 10 sausages have Hepatitis E

Such is the dubious content of the nation’s favourite intestine-filled snack, that nobody would have been surprised if the ingredients were sawdust and the shredded remains of Lord Lucan. In reality, most sausages contain more cheap starch filler, than an ITV schedule.

Sausages should be cooked for 20 minutes to kill the virus, but the Department of Health has warned that it will take a lot longer to kill off the lingering doubt that you may have eaten part of a donkey. 1 in 10 sausages may be diseased, while 3 in 10 have 97% DNA in common with the person eating it.

The virus itself uses the charmingly named ‘fecal–oral route’, with abattoirs showing a big rise in confirmed cases of HEV, but coincidently a big rise in the disappearance of household pets. A doctor warned: ‘Symptoms include jaundice and nausea, but so does stumbling in on your parents having sex. So, basically avoid any sort of pig in a blanket’.

https://pixabay.com/photos/sausage-meat-grill-2314654

North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers

Multinational bovine conglomerate British Lactoleum is facing criticism for profiteering from continued inflated prices for moo-juice, despite baseline prices falling at the udder, with CEO Gerald Holstein accused of having milk on his hands.

Condemned for creaming off shareholder dividends at the expense of, and indeed all over, calcium-starved consumers, Mr Holstein insisted the company was investing literally pence in switching a token 5% of its production to alternative human fuels, such as oat, almond, and: ‘oh, I don’t know- turnip? Gravel?’

Speaking through a luxuriant milk moustache, he continued: ‘We appreciate most normal people we really don’t give a sh*it about will find the switch prohibitively expensive, but remember substitutes like ‘red UHT’ are illegal, and hacks such as adding Nesquik to your cereal may not provide enough energy to get to your multiple cleaning and delivery jobs.

‘Retraining as a barista specialising in milk-rich babyccinos would also help keep the gold top flowing into our company accounts; or simply invest in good old British colostrum and spend the day wallowing in a jacuzzi of the stuff, like I do.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/