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A man has expressed concern that he may have peaked too early in his sadness for the passing of the Queen, it has emerged.


Mike McBride has already had to dip deep into his reserves of go-to phrases to express his grief over the Queen's death, noting solemnly at least 100 times over the last 4 days to anyone who will listen that her steadfast duty is an example to us all, that she represented everything that was good about our nation, and that her sense of humour was surprisingly dry for a monarch.


McBride has already spent days glued to the armchair in his living room flicking between Sky News, BBC and ITV looking to pick up previously unknown nuggets about the Queen's life that he can scatter into his conversation, but knows that the hard yards are still ahead of him.


'I need to remember its a marathon not a sprint', said McBride. 'Operation London Bridge is only a quarter of the way through, and I'm already dangerously low on Queen-related conversation fuel'


'I do have an anecdote from a friend - or maybe it was Giles Brandreth on one of his hundred or so vox-pops? - who said he saw The Queen eating a ham sandwich out of a tupperware box when she attended the St Leger horse race one year - she really did have the common touch', said McBride. 'I was hoping to save this for the day of the funeral to impress friends and family, but I may have to kick for the home straight much sooner.'


'There's just no way I can continue at this level for another week', admitted McBride. 'I'm so knackered, I tried to cut and paste that picture of the Her Majesty holding hands with Paddington onto my Facebook profile page but ended up posting a photo of the weeds in the vegetable patch in my garden that I'd just taken, along with the message 'Rest in Peace Ma'am'. Nightmare.'


image from pixabay


In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage.


Those online, looking for love, can flick through photos and profiles of the three leaders in order to make their stomach-churning choice. One divorcee complained: ‘Like most dating websites the choice seems to be between a potential serial killer, a foot fetishist or a closest homosexual. The trouble is, I can’t tell which is which?’


A spokeswoman explained: ‘Being the lesser of various evils is something to be proud of. After all, that’s the criteria on which most of us chose a husband. And Nick’s your typical guy. He’s a Capricorn and is looking for some no-strings attached proportional voting. He’ll happy swing with any political party that takes his fancy. But note to Ed Miliband – no time wasters please.’






Expectations are low for the sequel to the sequel of Charles. The Newsbiscuit Culture Editor explains: “Look, Charles 1 was your classic, ballsy action movie, plenty of war scenes and an ending like Brave Heart. Definitely one to please the crowds, or at least anyone not dead by the end of it.


Charles 2 was not quite as ambitious plot-wise but defied the usual problem of sequels being a let-down, by adding a strong romantic aspect. I mean Chuck 2 had it Going On… was it 12 illegitimate kids by the curtain? Most viewers gave up counting half way through.


So what can Charles 3 bring to this franchise? At this stage, none of the above. It’s going to have to be something completely different. A man with three buttocks? He’s got some big underpants to fill.”


image from pixabay

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