Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses

Following an inspection by the Ministry of Magic, Eton College is to offer intensive training in Muggle Studies to prepare the next generation of Prime Ministers.

'Leadership in the twenty first century requires a degree of empathy with ordinary people' a spokesman told us. 'Who knew? It came as a massive surprise. We’ve been following the eighteenth century syllabus, which possibly explains why we keep sending gunboats to "deal with" refugees.'

'Pupils will learn about something called a "gas bill" and an "overdraft".'

'Oh, that one has caused some scratching of heads,' chuckled the spokesman. 'It’s a pretty advanced mathematical concept when you drill into it. You spend money you don’t have, but then instead of just getting more to plug the gap you increase the amount which you don’t have, until you reach a theoretical point where strangers are allowed to walk in and steal your possessions. Fascinating stuff.'

Rupert Fortescue-Smythe is prepping for his Grade 3 Northerner exam. 'I’m ok with the set texts and the technical studies – I can swear, walk like a Mancunian and quote passages from The Royle Family – but it’s the sight-reading I struggle with. Phrases like "eckerslike" or "youvegorrabekiddin" just don’t trip off the tongue. I’ve been practising with the staff. I really want to excel in this, so I can buy my own Northern town one day and really blend in.'

Wealthy families have been buying up chalets (terraced houses) in Liverpool so their offspring can cram for their Grade exams. They’re cheaper than a decent cello, though they don’t hold their value as well.

'I had to get on a bus yesterday,' said Fortescue-Smythe. 'It’s a magical conveyance. Buses can only go on their approved routes – you can’t just tell the driver to nip to Fortnum’s or whatever – and they smell funny because they have old people in them. A total stranger called me "love", it was amazing.'

The first empathic Prime Ministers will roll off the production line in 2024, just in time for the General Election.

'All set for Easter?' knocks 'All set for Christmas?' into second place

‘All set for Easter’ is now the number one question asked at bus stops, according to a new poll.

‘The days are getting longer, but you wouldn’t believe it, would you?’ is straight in at three, pushing ‘But you’re not allowed to say that anymore are you?’ into fourth place. 'Did you get anything nice from Santa?' is still making a strong showing.

Data analysis shows that people you vaguely know but haven’t spoken to in a couple of years are now 57% more likely to talk about a Netflix series, while Downton Abbey is hardly referred to at all. Hollyoaks remains popular with the 3-12 age bracket. Call the Midwife is favoured but is believed to be a seasonal outlier.

Polling expert, Professor Sir Malcolm Granger said:

‘Have you been following Love Island? What? No, me neither. It's shit isn’t it.’

The poll reveals the type of question asked at a bus stop is influenced by how long you have to wait. Refugees in dinghies will typically kick in after one minute, Wokeism in two, Meghan and Harry in three, and capital punishment and castration in five. Where’s that bus got to? arrives about forty-five minutes later, with most respondents blaming the hijab, although you’re not allowed to say that anymore, are you?

Experts fear next year's bus stop poll will be far less accurate as participants will be obliged to show photo ID such as a senior citizen’s bus pass, a passport, or membership of the Ku Klux Klan.

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