Polling latest: Snowmen could form next government

In a blow to the Government, Yougov has announced that snowmen recently made in gardens up and down the country are more likely to be elected than most Conservative MPs.

Veteran MP, Peter Bone, reacted, but almost no one could understand what he was guffing on about. An interpreter of drivel had a crack, but this is the best she could do: 'This is ridiculous; since we left the EU, we've been enjoying continuous summer, so how could there be any snowmen in any case? If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the beach.'

Number 10 downplayed down the threat, saying, 'Carrots are expected to cost £28 each in January, so who'll be able to afford snowmen?'

Mr Gove's plan to open a new coalmine now looks like a spectacular own goal.

‘Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay

Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.

NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.

Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.

‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.