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The last of the ‘Clegg-maniacs’ retires


Pauline McClusky (24) of Sheffield, Hallam, has finally put up for sale her extensive collection of Nick Clegg memorabilia and her much smaller collection of Clegg ‘promises kept’. With his loveable ginger mop-top, ‘Cleggy’ set hearts aflutter with his unique brand of rock’n’roll politics and pop psychology. At its height, ‘Clegg-mania’ saw Lib Dem policies top the charts on both sides of the Atlantic. One social historian commented: ‘Who can forget the heady days of 2010, when hordes of adoring teenagers lined the streets to hurl their underwear Nick and toss rubble at Vince Cable?’


Ms.McClusky had turned her bedroom into a shrine to centre-left politics, while ironically Mr. Clegg made a grave of his. Pauline admitted: ‘In many respects Cameron was Clegg’s Yoko – shrill, talentless and nobody wanted to see them naked in bed together. Obviously, you hold out hope that the Lib Dems might reform for one last farewell tour, or at least a one-off apology gig. When I was a young impressionable teenager, Nick reached out and touched me – a bit like Cyril Smith’.

Unions only allowed to strike at night time


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Both main political parties are backing new legislation to limit the scope of industrial action to just leap years and during a full moon. The government explained: 'Your name must have an X and a Q in it, you must be over 7ft tall and you have to hold your breath for over 3 minutes.'


Unions have complained that this is restricting the right to protest, particularly the bit about having to wear a gag: 'We've been told all picket lines need grade eight in violin and we have to pat our head and rub our tummy at the same time.'


An MP said: 'Furthermore, you will not be allowed to strike, if you have a job.'




Replacement army ambulance drivers anticipate being able to meet government targets


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The British army has reluctantly agreed to provide personnel to stand in to man ambulances, but squaddies have asked to let it be known that if the dozy cow who puts notices on them when they block her driveway in emergency situations, thinks she can try it on with them, they’ll make her think again.


Under the agreement to provide personnel, ambulances will be fitted with caterpillar tracks, missiles and rocket launchers, which the army has said will be necessary to deal with twats who refuse to pull over and let them pass. Our squaddie informant said the dozy cow who writes the notes, might prefer to live in Ukraine once they’d finished with her house and driveway; and the tw*t who thinks it funny to delay ambulances with blue lights flashing, wouldn’t be doing it again, once they’d shot an Exocet missile up his arse.


The ambulance service has said it is studying the army proposals closely and will be monitoring the army’s performance to see if it could help them meet the arbitrary government targets.



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