New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy

In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".

Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".

Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".

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Colin Suspected that the Increasingly Bizarre Tests Weren't Relevant to his Mortgage Application.

Winner: Desk Pilot

Runners-Up: "Man tries out unique way to test ambulance response time." (Modelmaker); "Bull escape thwarted by quick-thinking bystander." (Adrian Bamforth)

Distant cousin of Boris Johnson lent money and threw shit at zookeepers

A distant cousin of Boris Johnson is reported to have lent him a scattering of fruit and an old car tyre hanging from a tree branch. ‘Bubbles’ the bonobo, who is famed for his uncanny resemblance to the former PM, gave him a shedload of bananas to help fund his lavish lifestyle. He also gave Mr Johnson free use of a luxury chimp enclosure.

A spokesperson for Mr Johnson said: ‘The media should stop slinging shit at Boris. Bubbles is perfectly capable of doing that himself.’

Bubbles was not available for comment because he is a primate with an underdeveloped brain. Mr Johnson did not comment either.

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