More fashion faux pas at the Golden Globules

Bill Gates ‘up all night’ tracking vaccinated people

Software magnate Bill Gates has told of his ‘utter exhaustion’ after tracking billions of people who have received a Covid vaccine.

'Initially I thought it would be fun”, he told NewsBiscuit. “Knowledge is power, so knowing that Marjorie Perks goes to Asda every Thursday would be useful. Or something.”

Gates hadn’t fully appreciated the effects of the Earth’s rotation, meaning that half of the people he was tracking would be active during his night time. To make it worse, he is using Microsoft software to track people, meaning that he needs to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL every few hours and occasionally reinstall his operating system.

'I have fresh respect for Santa”¸ he said. “There are just too many people on this damn planet."

Anti-vaxxers say they have no sympathy for Gates. “That’s why I wouldn’t let them poison me,” said Chad, a registered moron from Utah. 'I’m glad it’s keeping him awake. Sheeple need to wake up. Now pass me that bleach would you, it’s time for my daily injection.”

www.newsbiscuit.com

UK economy now based on your sweet tooth

The Chancellor is gambling that a ‘sugar tax’ will cover the nation’s debts – and has pegged the British currency to our fluctuating munchies. 70% of the UK’s output will now be based on school tuck-shop revenue, which in turn is affected by the volatile nature of pocket money futures. The Stock Exchange will now trade in smarties, pensions will be doled out in sherbet (rather than peanuts) and Willie Wonka is to be appointed the new Business Secretary.

A spokesman explained: ‘The Northern powerhouse can become a reality. Not through steel or coal but through the clinically obese masticating for Britain. One chubby lass from Newcastle with a tub of ice-cream generates the same tax revenue as Google and Amazon combined. And that money can be reinvested in a fun size mars bar’.